My Evolution.

Development. 

Advancement. 

Growth. 

Rise. 

Progress. 

Expansion.

These concepts have been floating around my mind the past few years...

& the last couple months I've been thinking about how I've made those thoughts actions. I'm a bit surprised at who I've become. Pleasantly surprised, that is.

It's a bit weird to think about how/who I used to be. It seems every year I look back and think, 'Man, I was so dumb..' I don't know if that's good or bad... I think good... Because that means I'm getting smarter, right? 

I used to be so scared of spiders. I'd cover them with a cup (& just to be safe, I'd put a heavy book on top of it, so the creep could not escape) and then yell to a family member to come kill it. Now, spiders don't scare me at all. Because when I really thought about it, what was there to fear about those little guys? They still startle me, but I just take them and put them outside. I don't like killing them. Call me a hippie, it's fine. Once I realized that there was really nothing to fear about them, a lot of other, bigger fears, faded away too.

I used to hate hiking. And when I say 'hate', I seriously mean it. Growing up, when my parents said we were going hiking, I turned into a whiner and hoped it would rain. What was the point of being out in the heat, covered in dirt, walking through trees, and being surrounded by bugs? Ewww... Now, there is no place I'd rather be than in the mountains, looking at the earth, dirt on my skin, and feeling the fresh air in my body. I love the quiet. I love the peace. I feel closest to myself and to my maker there. The mountains are my home, my soul craves them.

I used to despise sweating. And by sweating, I mean exercise. Gross. Gym classes in school were the worst. I would do just enough so the teacher would count me as participating, and not a sit-up more. I hated getting all damp and sticky. Now, I'm at the gym 5-6 days a week. My body aches to move. If I'm not getting that moisture out of my pours during a workout, I push myself until I do. I love the feeling of leaving that building with sticky skin, aching muscles, and a clear mind. Nothing makes me feel quite as strong.

I used to be so excited if a guy called me pretty. Yay, he likes me! It was the best compliment, such a confidence booster... temporarily, that is. Now, there are a million other compliments I'd rather have before 'good-looking'.

Intelligent.

Clever.

Positive.

Strong.

Capable.

& Kind, to name a few.

 I am not my body. I am my soul. I want my future partner to find that attractive, not just its vessel.

 I used to be scared to try. Know how long I've kept a journal? 

Basically my whole life. 

Know how long I've loved it? 

Yep, my whole life. 

Know how long the world has known that?

Since April 21, 2011, when I clicked 'publish' for the first post on this little site. It wasn't until about a year and a half after that, that I told people other than family, that I had a blog. Thank you, Facebook.

Why did it take me so long?

I was afraid.

These were my thoughts, laid right out. This was me. What if people didn't like it? What if they thought I was dumb?

I didn't do what I truly loved, for fear of failure.

But failure is relative. I think failure is success.

True failure, is not even trying.

So, I tried. & all your sweet souls have given me the greatest of feedback ever since.  

Happy heart :)

Thank you from the depths of my soul.

Now, if there's something I want to do, I try it.

What people will think isn't a factor in my mind.

So, I write. 

& I lift my little weights at the gym, while the guy next to me pumps his 100 pounders. 

& I attempt to play the guitar, with my little hands.

& I run outside, looking like a mess.

& I cook. If the meal turns out gross, I sure know what to do better next time.

& I reach out to new friends, because we're not in high school anymore, so no one is too cool for me.

& I love it all.

I used to compare myself to every other girl on the planet.

She's prettier than me.

She's smarter than me.

She's skinnier than me.

She's funnier than me.

And that, my friends, is miserable. Now, I don't do that anymore.  
Good for those girls, being pretty, smart, fit, and funny.

I am my only competition. 

...I am happy in my skin & mind...

How's your evolution?

Are you close to who you were this time last year?

My Sister.

Good evening.
I should be writing a six page paper for my psychology class,

but I'm not.

I'm okay with it.

I got time... it might be running low...

but I wanted to write something from my soul.

I haven't blogged for 2 weeks & my being is having withdrawals.

At this moment, I'm feeling a bit melancholy. I usually don't use that word. It feels weird leaving my lips. Also, on Titanic, Cal used that word once in the film & for some reason I just can't hear it differently now.

 I try to stay positive. It is key in life.
But sometimes, a few tough things happen all at once.
When that happens, it's easy to remember every little thing that I feel isn't working out.
Then I turn into this drama queen,
& tell my mom, 'I'm quitting everything, I'll just lay here on the floor & sleep my life away.'

Honestly & in all seriousness,
I think my mood reflects a part of my heart I really don't let anyone into.
Even though it's an old wound, it's still very tender.
So I'll just let the tears roll down my cheeks as I type this...

Sometimes, I really miss my sister. 
& by 'sometimes', I mean 'all the time.'

Sometimes I really miss her attempting to watch the Anne of Green Gables series in one weekend. I'd bug her all day Saturday, begging her to hang out with me, until she did. I miss knowing her favorite shows.

 

Sometimes I miss when I'd freak out over something so stupid and she'd grab my shoulders, look in my eyes sternly, and tell me to calm down and get a grip.

Sometimes I miss begging her to let me pluck her eyebrows. (Perhaps I'm a weirdy & love using those tweezers...) She'd say no all evening until she'd finally give in. As I pulled her eyebrows out one at a time, she'd make this face like she was in pain, but couldn't help laughing at the same time. I miss that.

 Sometimes I miss her coming into my room at night, just to talk. Because those were the best of conversations; the deepest & the most hilarious. I miss laughing with her.

Sometimes I miss her advice. She knew I wasn't the strongest at voicing my opinion, but she'd help me do it when it really mattered. She helped me be brave. I miss looking up to her.

Sometimes I miss staying up with her until 3 in the morning rewinding the last five minutes of High School Musical, to try and learn the silly dance. We're all in this together....

 Sometimes I miss her helping me with technology. I'm not gifted in that area. She'd always help me figure things out the computer or my ipod. I miss her smarts.

 Sometimes I miss her doing her television impressions. Whenever she'd have a bowl of ice cream, for some reason she'd feel the need to pretend she had her own cooking show. She'd explain everything she was doing as she mixed her ice cream and chocolate syrup together. I could not help but laugh so hard at those shows. Even now, they still bring a smile to my face.

Sometimes I miss her calling me, in tears and upset. And I would do my best to calm her down, until I could see her in person and help her figure things out. I miss knowing what's upsetting her.


Since she left, it's like a part of my heart is missing. Nothing else fills it, nothing else makes it complete.

 
I know that that part of my heart is troubled, only because it experienced something so wonderful & real.
& that wonderful, is totally worth the trouble. 

 So if you have a sister, could you do me a solid? 
Could you give her a call & tell her how grateful you are that you were born to the same parents?
 Could you tell her how much you love her & how much you care about her?

That might help my melancholy mood.

Hollie, you are so loved.
always & forever, sista.

Belief.

Sometimes I spend lots of hours on a single post.

Sounds kind of crazy, right?

They're like 5 paragraphs, how could they take that long?

I type, delete, type, feel inspired, almost finish, question if the whole thing sounds ridiculously stupid, seriously consider deleting it, decide to keep it as a draft for a few days, revise it later, then post it and hope I conveyed how I felt. 

Tonight is kind of different. I'm sitting here, in the dark, in my oversized mustard sweater that I love, & I just want to write. No overanalyzing, no overthinking, no worry about correct grammar, no debate over what I should or shouldn't post... I just want to write.

The past little while I've been feeling really at peace. Sometimes I get so caught up on what's not happening, how I planned & expected, that I turn into a drama queen. But lately, I've felt really calm, even though life hasn't happened how I thought it would.

Mostly, wholly because I've come to not only realize, but accept the fact my plan for myself, isn't always what's best for me. My maker's plan for me, however, is perfect.

There are so many instances I can look back on and say, 'Wow, good thing that awful thing happened!', 'Thank heavens that didn't work out!', or, 'I'm so glad what I wanted then didn't pan out.'

In the moment, tough things feel like they will never be over; it's just one thing after another.

But the point isn't for them to be over; they are the point. They are one of the main reasons we are here; 

to make us stronger, better, & wiser.

One thing I've struggled with is aligning my will with God's. I don't know why I ever question it... I mean, he's God for goodness sake. His timing is flawless. Even when things aren't happening how I imagined, it's all part of the plan He has in place for me.

One thing that's really helped me find this realization, is you. So many of you have helped me, most, without knowing it...

A dear friend of mine's father was diagnosed with cancer. They started a blog to keep friends and family updated on his journey. On one of the posts, they asked readers not to pray for a full recovery, but to pray for acceptance of God's will. I bawled reading those words. Their faith in their maker is... there isn't a good enough word- incredible, beautiful, amazing, strong... & the list of adjectives goes on.

My friend from high school went through a divorce. She is one gal I've always looked up to. Her belief in God and all that He is has always given me strength. I feel like I can see her belief in Him, just by looking at her. When I heard about her divorce, I was so heartbroken. The first time I saw her after I heard of her situation, I wasn't surprised... She looked drained, like she was trying so hard to keep it together, but one thing I could see in her eyes was, she wasn't giving up. She was fighting hard to keep herself together. She didn't give up on God, when she could have blamed Him for everything. She clung to Him with all she had.

 I creeped on a girl's blog... is that weird? oh well if it is... She and her husband had been trying to have a baby for so long. They tried for two years, until they finally had a successful pregnancy. Her telling of their journey stuck with me sooo much. She wrote of being jealous of those having babies. She wrote of trying not to be bitter. She wrote of all the different things they tried to help them conceive. She wrote of the emotional toll infertility can take on a person. She wrote of wanting to give up on their dream, and close the door forever. But they didn't. They decided to give it one last try... and it was worth it. She wrote of how ultimately, it brought her closer to God & understanding His plan for her.

 

 I love Corrie. Ever read The Hiding Place? If you answered 'no', I highly suggest you make it so you could truthfully answer 'yes'.

There are so many other instances & stories I could tell about resilience, but alas, the alarm clock goes off in a matter of hours & this girl needs her sleep.

I just want to say thank you to you all;

for being strong in your hardest moments,

for keeping faith when it's easy to let go,

and for sharing the experiences closest to your hearts with me.

You inspire, strengthen, and shape me;

In my moments of weakness, one of your faces and story will find it's way to the front of my mind. 

& I'll remember your belief & it strengthens mine.

Your definition.

I ran into someone who used to be very close to me. Someone I love very much. I realized, although our relationship isn't close like it used to be, she is still & always will be, near to my heart. This gal had a lot of struggles. More than what I would ever think is fair. Years ago, we cried about these struggles together. She cried out of exhaustion, shock, immeasurable disappointment, and a bit of unnecessary guilt. I cried for her; that she had to endure this, that these unthinkable and devastating circumstances were part of her life now.

When we saw each a few weeks ago, we hugged and chatted for a few minutes, then parted ways. The second I said, "See you later" and turned away, my heart hurt; I couldn't focus & felt that scratchy tears-are-coming feeling in my throat. I wanted so badly to turn back and ask her,

Do you know how loved you are?

Do you know how much you deserve?

Do you know how strong you are?

Fight through this, you will make it! 

 

But I had seen it in her eyes; she had given up.

The reality is, these burdens and struggles became too much for this sweet gal. She tried to face them. She tried, so hard, to overcome them. But eventually, she gave up and gave in. It was easier to let those things define her. She became her circumstances.

We all have struggles. No one is exempt.

It's so easy & understandable to be consumed by those pains.

Mourning is necessary. Tears are needed. Feeling the hurt is important.

I've cried, screamed, & shook my head at the man above over my struggles.

These happenings can be so unbearably painful, that we see nothing else.
We become numb to protect ourselves from the hurt,
until we live nothing more than a hazy existence.

I don't blame my friend for making the choices she did. She has it hard. I want so much for her to find her old self, and never let her go. I hope with every ounce of hope I can make, that one day she will.

No matter what struggles you endure...

You are not what has happened to you.

You are not your past.

You are not your circumstances.

You are not your weaknesses.

Don't let your pain rule you.

Don't let it stop you.

Don't let it consume you.

Don't let it rob you of today.

You control your story.

You can change. You can forgive. 

You can let it go. You can rise above. 

You can overcome. You can triumph. 

You can conquer.

Take that pain and fuel it into your being to become stronger than you have ever been before.

Don't give up. Don't give in.

Stay strong.

& remember, you are loved.

A Little Dreaming.

Know what I wish?

I wish I never had to hear the sound of an alarm clock ringing again. That dang noise. I don't like its meaning. Every morning it's a reminder that I, Karinne of Utah, must get out of the comfiest, warmest bed earlier than I want to. Why must that thing ring... I wish I didn't have to rely on an irritating noise to wake me from my sweetest dreams. Lately I've been having a bunch of them. They aren't always sweet, but when they are, I sure don't want to leave them as soon as I do...

Sometimes I dream about love. You know, the cheesy, romanticy, butterflies-in-your-stomach kind. The kind that people hope for & search for their whole lives. That kind. & it's quite pleasant. I dreamed about the sweetest guy last night. Know in dreams how you don't have to see or hear anything to know what's happening? This was one of those cases.

In the dream, all I could see was myself and a man holding hands. It's what I couldn't see in the dream that I remember most. He didn't take any regard for how I looked. It was as if he were looking past the
physical and into my soul & wanted nothing more than to care for it, to comfort it, to protect it, and to help it grow.

He loved me, for me.

Perhaps that's what love is.

Perhaps one day we'll find it.

Sweet dreams.

Goodnight.

It's (kind of) That Time of Year

Good evenin' :)

If you haven't noticed, it's Halloween time...
I am not a fan.
in
the
slightest.

So I'm skipping on over to the designated 'thankful' time of year; enough with the scary, bring on the gladness!

But mostly -honestly- my heart has been really full lately, like it's going to burst from so much goodness.

So, here is a glimpse of the grateful part of my heart lately:

1. I'm grateful for my body. For the longest time my goal had been to be thin, to be skinny. With that mindset, I didn't always do what was best for my body. I mistreated it. A few months ago, I decided I didn't want that anymore. I was fed up with not feeling good enough. My body is a gift. It functions just as it was designed to. How ungrateful I had been to not be happy with it because I couldn't squeeze into a size 1 pant... So this past month and a half, my attitude & perspective has really changed; I don't want to feel tired & sick from trying to be thin. I want to be strong. I want to be able to use my body the way it was intended. I want to be fit. So I got a personal trainer and just finished my last session with her. She taught me so much about strength training- I am so grateful to her (thanks Nicole! :)). Although it's only been a month and a half, I can see changes. Not a ton physically yet, but mentally. It's amazing how much challenging my body in that way can rid me of stress and boost my confidence. I've never felt so strong & at peace with who I am.

2. I'm thankful for all the times my heart was broken. I've mentioned before, my best friend was reunited with her love after 2 years. I went on a double date with them last week. It was my first time meeting him & seeing them together. It made me so happy. I can't explain what they have... it's real, period. That's it. Being on that date with them made me grateful for one thing; that I hadn't settled. In the past, I've had opportunities to marry, but my heart wouldn't let me. It knew there was more. There was something missing in those relationships, something I couldn't really explain, but my heart knew. One day, I'll find that missing piece with someone new. Until then, I'm so grateful for all the tears I've cried, the sleepless nights, the disagreements, & the brokenness. Those 4 things have given me more than a marriage with any of those men ever could have. They taught me to trust myself & to trust God. They taught me how strong I am. They helped me realize what I deserve. I will forever be grateful for that.

3. I'm grateful for this gal.

Birdy is a dream.
I really want to tell you all about her, but I don't think I would do her justice.
You have to hear her for yourself.

She's natural, raw, & pure.
She doesn't try too hard. It's almost like she doesn't try at all;
her talent seems so effortless.
I feel like before she performs she's thinking, 'Hi, I'm Birdy, I'm just here to play a song for you guys.'
& that's all she wants.

She's a breath of fresh air.

This song has been on repeat for... ever. I can't stop myself, nor do I care to.

          
Faith in humanity restored.
Thanks Birdy.

4. I'm grateful for my travels. I've been able to see so much of the world. It never ceases to amaze me, this planet we live on. Travel awakes my soul. It has shaped who I am- it's made me better, fuller.

Experiencing new places fills me with... something. I don't know the word. Maybe there isn't one for what I'd like to convey... how do I explain... When someone mentions North Carolina, I remember laughing with Ashlee in a photobooth and poor little Owen crying in all the pictures. When someone mentions St. George, I think of my dad & the time he offered to drive Hollie and I down there for a concert of a band we liked. When someone mentions Montana, I think of Dallan and me laughing so hard in our tent after the hardest, longest hike of our lives. When I hear the words 'Grand Canyon', I think of our Aerostar van, no a/c, burning summer, & the stories we now tell of that lovely, sweaty drive ;) When I hear 'China Town', I think of high school choir tour, Maren, Kristen, and I, & our matching bras & Hannah Montana shirts- we were cool ;) When someone mentions Bryce Canyon, I think of Kim, pouring rain, & laughing at how cold and wet we were.

San Fransisco

St. George

Illinois

Glacier

Great America

Moab/Arches

Big Cottonwood Canyon

Zions

 Bryce Canyon

Disneyland

Cedar City

Idaho

Park City

North Carolina

Six Flags

Yellowstone

Arizona

Texas

Zion Ponderosa

Brooklyn

American Fork Canyon

Sea World

Grand Canyon

Kannaraville Falls

Las Vegas

San Diego

Provo Canyon

Lake Tahoe

Nauvoo
NYC
Sacramento
&
Myrtle Beach
 all hold pieces of me; they are part of my story.
They taught me something; they gave me something.
They are all part of my heart forever.

I'm fortunate to have been able to experience all that I have. I'm so grateful to all the people who have made my travels possible. Whether it's been across the country, or a place an hour away from my home, I am thankful for you who have helped me get there; my parents, siblings, friends, friends of friends, and various organizations. You are part of my heart forever.
 

Thank you <3

5. I'm thankful for these people (my roomies ;))

Where do I begin?

This year has been a roller coaster.. but I've come to find, that is life. It forever has been, and always will be a roller coaster. These 3 souls have been there for me at every point on my bumpy ride. I've cried on many occasions to them out of frustration, sadness, and confusion. & as hard as the world tries, at times, to keep me down, they keep building me up.

A few months ago, Mom & I shared a lovely brownie and had a nice little (okay, a big) cry together. It had just been one of those days (okay, maybe weeks... okay, maybe parts of life are just rough for long periods of time) for us both. It was one of those times each of us had to cry for all the unfairness in the world... (I know, that's a whole lot of tears). My mom and I haven't always had the closest relationship, but after that talk I think we understood each other much more clearly than we ever have before.

Remedy for a tired heart:
A good brownie,
lots of tears,
& Mom.

Dad & I have always been close. A while ago, I was going to do something I knew he wouldn't be too fond of. So I tried to keep it from him... of course it came out, (it always does, even at age 23). We talked for a while about it. I'm sure he was frustrated, maybe even baffled; because looking back, I am a bit baffled about my logic as well (live & learn, right?). While we were talking he looked at me and said, "You knew what I'd think about this, that's why you didn't tell me.." Then he chuckled; I'm pretty sure he was thinking, 'you little turkey' ;) then he said, "I am your conscience, Karinne." That really hit me. I've thought about those words a lot since; I am your conscience. If I had always looked at myself the way my dad sees me, I would have made much, much better decisions.

He will always think I'm worth more than anyone could measure.
He will always want the absolute best for me.
He will always think I deserve the best.

The other night Brys and I were talking. He said, "Man, Karinne, I can't wait for you to get married." & I'm thinking ''how sweet, he's dying to have the whole basement to himself'.' I laughed and asked him why. He said with a smile, "'Cause your husband is going to be so awesome! You're so awesome, imagine how cool he's going to be."
I almost broke down in tears.
That my friends, is love.

6. I'm grateful for you. For staring at the screen right now, reading my heart laid out in words.

I wish you knew how much...
 each and every comment,
every single e-mail,
every 'like' on my link from facebook,
all the texts,
& conversation that include "I read on your blog..." means to me.
 I wish I could explain it. Those words are always received with the happiest & most grateful of hearts. You'll never know.
Thank you.

How's your heart doing?
What does it appreciate most?
<3

How Do You Use Your Words?

In my psychology class we were discussing how there is only one reason human beings dominate the earth;

language is that reason.

That's it. That's the only reason we have dominion over other creatures.

And that got me thinking...

Words are very powerful things. How am I using mine?

I've been trying very hard to speak only kind words about people. Yes, I slip sometimes. I get frustrated. I get bugged. However, I recognize those instances & try harder from that moment on.

The longer I live, the more I realize how hard life can be. Becoming an adult makes older people, who once sheltered me from the sadness of life, much more open about it. I've learned some heartbreaking things about people I've known and loved for years & years. Even after spending so much time with, knowing, and loving certain people, I never knew their hardest battles. 

I've found, people who really, really struggle, are not quick to share. They often go to great lengths to hide their pain. They often cry behind closed doors. They often feel like their problems are nothing compared to the world's. They are the humble, selfless ones.

Learning about people's battles has often brought me to tears. It has often made me reflect on how I could have been nicer to them; I could have done more, I could have been more, for them.

This has taught me to be kind, always. People struggle enough. They don't need someone speaking unkind things about them, behind their back or to their face; both cause damage.

Be kind.

Don't hesitate about giving a compliment, holding the door open, asking how a person's day went, or giving a hug. Often times when someone has given me a hug or a smile, I didn't realize how much I needed it.

Sometimes, kindness is not an easy thing...

Rude people used to hurt me. I'd cry at work when a customer would yell at me over something so ridiculous. I'd get upset when someone would say something unkind about me, and find it so very easy to shoot a dart back at them. 

Lately, this has changed. It seems once I have things together & I'm so very happy, life throws me a challenge (Bring it on).

People have tried to bring me down lately; call me names, raise their voice, insult me and not own up to it, all in attempts to hurt me, to scare me, and to bring me lower. But guess what?

I'm not scared.

I'm not hurt, because I know those words are not true.

I will not be brought down.

Initially, I was mad.

I could almost feel the steam coming out of my ears & shaking in my bones. 

I wanted to scream back so loudly, so many hurtful things. 

I wanted to pierce their heart just like they had done mine.

But I didn't stoop to their level.

I bit my tongue so hard, I thought it would bleed.

Know why? Because..

(Eric is so right on this one.)

People who are strong do not bring others down;

Strong people don't ever make others feel weak.

Rude people need hugs.
They don't need a retaliation of rudeness thrown back at them. 

They need more sunshine in their lives; they're lost, insecure, & scared. 

To protect their vulnerable hearts, they try to make others scared too. That way, they don't feel inferior simply by a confident presence.

So bite that tongue. I promise as soon as insulting words leave your lips, you'll wish you could reel them back in. As hard as it can be to hold in what you're wanting to say, hold it. With time, you'll be grateful you did.

The facts are; 

I am a strong woman.

I am confident in myself and things I do. 

I love the way I live.

I love who I am and who I am becoming.

This is not boasting.

Loving yourself and what you do should be a part of everyone's mindset & heart.

If it's not, then what are we doing?

Love yourself, and it's easier to love others. Even those who are difficult to love.

Be strong, be kind.

You never know who you are inspiring.

Your kindness will impact the name callers.

Maybe not today, or even a year from now, but it will.

Remember, you are a champion.