Dal.

I remember sitting by the window in Kneaders,

talking for hours, as the sun made its way through the glass.

We had both recently lost things that were so dear to our hearts;

we found ourselves growing closer, as we grew individually from the losses.

I was learning confidence.

It's not something I was born with-

it was new to me.

I was learning how to practice it.

I had gradually been speaking my mind & giving my thoughts as a way of training.

As we sat and ate,

he told me someone close to us had talked to him about me.

They spoke of how I had been rude recently,

and how I seemed to have changed.

I jumped to my own defense, almost heartbroken,
"I'm not being mean! I promise... I'm trying so hard to get out of my shell. I'm just tired of being scared to give my opinion... or even disagree with people."

A huge smile filled his face, 

"I know! I thought that's what you were doing",

His words were full of pride.

His face, full of excitement.

"Karinne, people aren't used to it. They aren't used to you speaking up.

They see you as the little girl afraid to return her bowling shoes to the counter for fear of talking to a person she doesn't know", he said, "regardless of what people say,

you have to keep doing it."

His response fueled me with just what I needed.

Who is 'he'?

My brother.

Being married has caused me to reflect on all that brought me to the joy that I live.

I realized, a good chunk of the 'all', was him.

When I was 20 and fresh out of a long, terrible relationship,

he pulled me through.

He helped me learn who I was & who I wanted to be.

He taught me how to love myself:

One summer's day we sat by the pool.

Two girls with gorgeous, giant legs walked by,

and I said, "I wish I had legs like that."

Dal relplied, without skipping a beat, "You know, they're wishing they had something of yours."

That moment will stick with my soul forever.

It changed me.

In that one sentence, he reversed my negative mentality towards my body,

and put it on its way to the most positive.

He taught me how to use my voice:

The only thing he's ever been with me, is honest.

& that's the only thing he has wanted from me.

He wanted to know my true feelings on anything we talked about; 

from the texture of spinach, to Tupac, to God.

He didn't want my thoughts and opinions so he could try to change or judge me.

He wanted them so he could know me.

As we talked- as he was my safety-
I began to know me.

As I was honest with him, I found it easier to be honest with others.

He taught me to challenge myself:

Our conversations brought what truly mattered.
We discussed beliefs, ideas, and ways of living.
He encouraged me to do what I wanted- what felt right for me.
He never wanted me to do things 'just because',
he only wanted me to do them because they felt right in my soul.
He taught me to question things & to trust things- especially myself.
As we took our hiking trips together,
he agreed to do the craziest hikes with me.
Hiking those trails gave us the time and clarity for those conversations.
Those trails also challenged our bodies.
They taught me to push myself,
to finish the 20 miles in the Grand Canyon,
the 14 miles in Glacier.
Never have I been more physically exhausted as I was after those hikes.
& never have I felt so strong & proud of myself,
laughing in our tent as our legs felt like jello.

Dal has shaped me into who I am.
He knew how fragile I was 4 years ago & helped me become strong.
He taught me confidence when I had none.
He encouraged my opinion, even if he disagreed.
He showed me how to live consciously, when I didn't know how.
He empowered me to be who I am, regardless of other's reactions.
& most of all,
he loved me, when I forgot to love myself.

I found a quote that read,
"You have got to find people who love like you do."
My mind went straight to him.
He is a piece of my heart, forever.

I love you, Dal.

Meaning.

Hello lovelies.

It's been a while.

How have you been?

I'm finally back to walking and slowly easing back into normal life.

& it's glorious.

Being down for the count for the past six weeks gave me a lot of time to think about things...

Not just about things like the fact that I say "like" so much that I get on my own nerves,

or that I want to chop my hair off so badly that at times I debate doing it myself,

or how odd it was that I unintentionally watched four movies in a row co-starring Sigourney Weaver,

but things of more importance.

Have you ever heard someone say, "I was meant to do this."?

I remember watching an interview of Beyonce, years ago, where she said she was born to be an entertainer.

For some reason that has always stuck with me.

I think it's because I've never felt so confident in saying something like that.

I never felt exceptionally good at anything.

I've always been pretty average at most things I do, and that has set just fine with me.

I'm not one for competition,

you can be the best, it's fine.

I think that's why I've struggled career wise.

I haven't felt drawn to any one thing.

I don't want to pick something I have to work as for years,

mostly because I haven't felt like a career is for me.

I haven't felt like picking a way to earn money would give my life meaning.

I've known being successful in that regard would not make my soul full.

I know what I am 'meant' for;

I am meant to grow,

to progress,

to love,

to give,

to learn,

& to become.

I think the best way for me to do this, is to be a mother.

It's something I have always known deep down that I wanted to be, but on the surface, that idea would come and go.

Until recently.

I think it's because I've never been with someone I could see myself building a life with,

until I met the sweetest man.

Being with him has placed a new, different kind of confidence in me.

I think because he works so hard, and wants so much to give me what will make me full.

I have never felt complete safety or trust in someone like I do with him,

and I didn't want to raise children unless I felt that with a teammate.

Now, I feel like I could do it, because that kind of connection is real.

One day, I want to hold a piece of heaven, in an exhausted state, in a hospital bed, with our protector holding us both.

I want to smell that 'new to earth life' scent and hear those 'hold me' whimpers.

I want to hold that soul so close to mine & pray with tears of a heart so thankful. 

I want to watch those eyelids dream and see life through their eyes.

I believe that's what I am meant for.

I believe it's what we are all meant for;

to grow, to progress, to love, to give, to learn, & to become.

And maybe, when we've somewhat mastered that, or understand it enough,

we are meant to help others do the same, in whatever capacities we are given.

Do what gives you joy.

Do what makes you full.

We're all meant to find that in whatever ways we can.

Happy April to you and yours <3

Scars.

Currently, I am plopped on my couch.
The sun is shining through the open window,
 and the loveliest breeze is joining it.

I am alone for the first time in nearly a week.

I forgot how much I love silence.

It's calming. It's peaceful. It's refreshing. It's rejuvenating.

I went in for surgery two weeks ago to remove, what has now been confirmed as, an aneurysmal bone cyst that developed in my femur bone.

First surgery ever.

First hospital stay ever, aside from my birth.

Not knowing what to expect was an understatement, but that was okay.

Since my last post, I received the best phone call of my life.

I had been waiting for the biopsy results of my tumor to come in.

Although my doctor was confident it wasn't cancer, I was still very nervous.

I was at work, and looked at my phone to see the incoming call from my doctor's office.

I picked the phone up with my shaky hands.

Hello?

"Hello, Karinne? This is Dr. Scott. Are you ready for some good news?"

My eyes instantly filled with the most relieved and grateful tears I have ever made.

My mom and I went to the hospital at 5:30 the following Wednesday morning.

We both felt really calm and ready.

After waiting, talking with the hilarious receptionist, changing into a lovely gown, finishing all the surgery prep, I was ready to go.

A nice man then wheeled me to a spot just outside the room I'd be having surgery in.

The anestesiologist gave me a run down of what I should expect.

He was so calming and kind.

Then my doctor turned the corner, and looked at me with a big smile,

"You sleep at all last night?"

"Not really, but I'm ready to do this."

He went over, again, with me what he'd be doing and what to expect.

He then asked with the kindest eyes if I had any questions.

They wheeled me backwards into the room.

From the moment I entered every member of the staff kept me calm,

asking me about school, work, and joking with me.

One nurse spoke quietly to the other, "Should we take her pants off now?"

"No, we'll wait until she's out."

We were about to get real friendly up in there, glad I was out for all of that.

I woke up to my doctor telling me everything went well and that he'd go let my mom know.

That afternoon is foggy.

I remember being wheeled into my room and seeing my mom and my grandma waiting there for me.

I gave them a thumbs up.

Then all i wanted to do was sleep...

During this whole experience, my dad has reminded me of one of its benefits;

I can now relate to people who have experienced the similar things.

I am capable of having more empathy.

Each day, I find that to be more and more true.
I had no idea what it was like to stay in a hospital- n.o. i.d.e.a.
 Now, I know exactly how it is.
I think the right word to describe it is tiring.
It's so tiring.
So many liquids were connected to my veins.
My vitals were checked, what felt like, hourly.
A machine tightened around my ankle every minute to keep my blood flowing.
I had to get help to use the restroom.
I wore oxygen to sleep for the first few hours after surgery.
Lights flashed, machines beeped, staff checked on me all night.
No sleep was had.
But I am grateful.
All those seemingly bothersome things & all those compassionate people kept me alive for those long 30 hours.

 My dad's friend surprised us in the hospital. He brought me a sunshine balloon and a good sense of humor to cheer me up. The balloon somehow became free from the string and floated up to the ceiling, and remained there for the rest of my stay.
His daughter had been in the hospital last summer.
He knew e.x.a.c.t.l.y what it was like to watch a loved one be a patient.
He used his empathy to brighten my day.
I don't think he knows how much that little balloon helped me.
Watching the string randomly untie, then watching my mom try to get that stinker down,
gave us both a really good laugh.
And that was just what we needed.

I believe that is why souls have the ability to empathize.
We are meant to help each other through struggles...
 A friend of mine knew what it was like to walk through the oncology doors, and she cried with me about it.
A childhood friend reached out to me, saying he knew what it was like to have cancer, and if I needed to talk, he was there.
A friend messaged me, telling me she knew what it was like to rely on other people to be taken care of, and not to hesitate if I wanted to talk about it.
My mom's friend has cancer and made us an amazing dinner when we were home from the hospital. Still dreaming about that deliciousness...

Not only has people's empathy amazed me, but their sympathy and love has brought me to tears.
I am so serious.
 The amount of love and support I have received from all of you lovelies is overwhelming.
People I haven't talked to or seen in years have contacted me,

telling me if I need anything at all to let them know.

I honestly cannot explain how much every single text, call, email, meal, visit, treat, message, gift, and hug has meant to me.
A coloring book and a fruit bouquet seem so simple, but those little things changed me.
They gave me so much strength and power.

 Each time I reply "Thank you", I feel it's not enough. I'm not satisfied with that response, but there isn't anything I could say that would give me satisfaction.
 I wish you could reach into my heart and see what you've done for it, for me.

I can't recall another time in my life where I have felt so much support & love.
You all have helped heal me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

This journey has opened my eyes to things I didn't know I wasn't seeing fully four weeks ago...

I never knew how incredible modern medicine is.

I had no idea.

It is unreal to me.

How people were able to cut my leg open, move my nerves, muscles, and such out of the way, remove the cyst, fill the hole in my bone with a cadaver bone, and stitch me back up to be good as new, is miraculous to me.

I have such appreciation and respect for those souls who work in the medical field. 

Every single one of them has been so compassionate.

It takes i.n.c.r.e.d.i.b.l.e people to be doctors, nurses, surgeons, anesthesiologists, etc.

I never felt scared going into surgery, because of them.
Even after surgery when my blood pressure plummeted and the machine wouldn't stop beeping, I wasn't worried. I knew I was in the best of hands.

Every member of the staff treated me as a soul in need, not an inconvenience.

I will forever be grateful for the time, energy, and money those people put towards their career. 

And I will forever be grateful for their compassion in taking care of me. 
Aaaand I am so thankful for the sweet soul who donated their bones when their earth-life ended, so that I could have my leg whole again.
I wish words could do my heart justice. No matter what I type, it's not good enough...
Could you just imagine reaching into my heart again?
Maybe that will help.

And I think I'll just start crying now as I type this...
Can I tell you how grateful I am for my mother?
Can I tell you how much she has done for me?
The answer to that last question is no, because I don't even know all that she has done for me.
But I do know this:
She will have my back forever, no matter what.
I feel like a big baby, not because I'm crying, but because of my state.
I've had to rely on my family for nearly everything.
It's amazing what being down a leg will do;
I basically sit all day.
My mom makes me food, and sits by me on the couch while we eat.
She helps me shower and change my clothes.
She makes sure I'm comfortable and that I have what I need.
She gets me my medicine.
She helps me go up and down the stairs.
She keeps me entertained.
She basically waits on me all day, every day.
She says she doesn't mind, and I really think she doesn't.

It took all of a day, in my fragile state, to hit me:
She did all that & more for me, for y.e.a.r.s when I was a child.
The past 28 years of her life have been for her children.
That's a simple sentence, right?
To me, it seemed to be, until I opened my eyes and saw my mother at work.
My mom has made my life hers the past few weeks;
She canceled her plans to take me to multiple doctor appointments.
She has made sure to be home for me, not just since the surgery, but since the day my tumor was found. She made sure I was never alone, in case I needed someone to cry on for support.
From the beginning she told me, "You just be completely honest with us. Tell us exactly what you need, don't hold anything back. We'll do what you need." And that, my friends, made such a
difference in my fragile state.
 She was at the hospital with me during the surgery and recovery, with only a two hour break, when the men of the house came to visit.
 She's spent hours and hours helping me with my homework, not to mention she has three classes of her own to keep up on.
One time she was helping me move and I made a noise out of pain,
and she said, "Oh, I hate when you do that..."
I've realized, it hasn't been just the past few weeks that she's put things on hold for me,
she's done that my whole life.
She's done it because she loves me more than anything on the entire planet and wants nothing- nothing more than to see me succeed in this life.
She's my biggest cheerleader.
She's my biggest fan.
I guess I never realized how selfless & beautiful motherhood is.
It's such an incredible thing to witness, and to realize I've had it my whole life.
Motherhood is choosing to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
Oh how grateful I am for such a brave mother.
 I hope I can have her patience, her selflessness, her drive, and her heart if I'm given the chance to help grow a couple sweet souls in my life.
Thanks, Mom.
p.s. happy birthday to you :)

 Thinking it was a possibility for me to have cancer, jolted me.
When I saw the picture of my tumor on day one of this roller coaster, my mind jumped to the possibility of leaving this earth a bit earlier than I'd like.
Perhaps this is a bit too candid...

All I could think was
 I could be gone soon.
I could be gone soon.
I began to shake thinking about it,
and didn't start crying until this little boy's face popped in my head:


Then the rest of my family member's faces followed.
I didn't want to leave them.
I didn't want miss watching that smart little boy grow up.
I didn't want my family to grieve over me being gone.
I didn't want them to hurt.
But if it was my time to meet my maker,
then I would trust it and would meet Him with open arms.
I'd have family whether I was on this earth, or somewhere in the stars.

Since then, I've tried to love and live more fully,
because life can do a 180 in less than 10 seconds...
I'm working on investing my whole heart into everything I do,
& embracing everything I feel.
So I take moments to took at those snow covered mountains,
and that gorgeous blue sky.
I appreciate my family and let them know.
I close my eyes to focus on the warm sun touching my skin.
When I laugh, I don't stop until I'm done, even if it's an awkwardly long time.
I don't hold back tears, regardless of the reason and regardless of who is with me.
I enjoy every single bite of that delicious chocolate frozen custard.
I soak up all of Owen's giggles & care-free dance moves.
When the man in my life reaches for my hand, I told tightly onto his.
When people talk with me, I focus on them.
I want to be fully present in every moment.

 Life is hard.

There is no way around it.

As I get older, my eyes open more and more to the pains that are possible in this life.

Most seem like too much to bear.

Perhaps some are.

Waiting to find out if I had cancer was the hardest experience of my life.

I felt so many things I had not felt before.

Most of those emotions don't have words.

There's not a way to successfully explain them.

At the time, deep down, I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide.
I knew I couldn't.
 Whether I accepted it or not, facts were facts,
so I decided to face it like the warrior my best friend told me I was.
All I could do was learn from it.
That's all we can ever do from tough experiences...

The physical evidence of this experience will be quite prominent on the back of my leg.
I have a nice, big, beautiful battle wound.

I've always found scars quite lovely.

I think because they mean a challenge was conquered,

a pain was triumphed,
a struggle was overcome.

They are a reminder of courage and strength.
Those scars shape us, change us, and mold us into the warriors we are meant to be.

 When I look at my scar, of course I'll remember the unsurety, the anxiety, the pain, the overload of emotions and thoughts I'd never had before.

But, I'll remember what came after;

all the help, all the empathy, all the support,

all the love.

In less than 3 months, I'll be good as new, but even better, thanks to you.
Thank you for pulling me through.

Lighter.

 I've debated about this post; if, when, or how I should do it.
If I should put this part of my heart out here, or keep it sheltered...
if I should wait until I have all the answers or just write the journey so far...
if I should keep it technical and factual, or share how it's truly impacted me.
I realized:
I have to write about it. It has affected me on so many levels. I've been personal before on this little blog, why stop now?
I decided I don't want to wait until I have all the answers. Ultimately, I don't know when that will be. It could be days, or it could be weeks. I don't know where this is going to take me. So as a warning, if you hate cliffhangers, feel free to stop reading now :)
Annnnd I decided to be raw in writing this. I want to be real, free, and direct. So here it goes...

The past two weeks have been the longest of my life, and that's an understatement.

 After months and months of having pain in my knee, I felt a bump under my skin, just behind it.
I went last month on the 24th, to get it checked out.
Looking at the x-rays with the doctor, he showed me the mass along my femur bone. I could tell he was a bit uncomfortable, and felt his next words wouldn't be what I wanted to hear.
He stumbled while explaining,
"It's a tumor",
and gently cautioned me not to jump to conclusions.
And I didn't.... for about thirty seconds.
Okay, Karinne, be logical about this. You have a tumor. 
A tumor...
Tumors mean cancer.
Cancer means.....
& the tears of unsurety fell down my cheeks.

That afternoon brought bone scans,
and a call back for more bone scans, which did not give me much reassurance. 
 The next morning brought an MRI.
Then the only thing left to do was wait.
Those were easily the longest six days of my life...

Everything changed.

My mind was a different place.
Crowds made me anxious. Aside from my immediate family, being around more than one other person put me on edge.
Conversation drained me. I tried so hard to have my smiles genuine, but they were forced and fake.
4 hours at work wore me out.
I cried a lot. Even watching Mulan made me tear up, thanks Emperor for helping Mulan see her worth...
If I didn't have a nap, I was exhausted by 8:00pm.
I was impatient. When people complained about the weather or being tired, all I want to do was yell, "YOU AREN'T WAITING TO FIND OUT IF YOU HAVE CANCER! PUT ON A COAT AND TAKE A NAP!" and then I'd feel terrible for thinking like that.

Yet other parts of me were more patient than they'd ever been. I'd never been such a calm driver, because I didn't know if the slow car in front of me was on their way home from the hospital, waiting to hear life-changing news. Why pester them to go a little faster?
I couldn't focus on anything.

In my bedroom, watching Pocahontas, and coloring in my princess coloring book became my favorite place to be. Side note, if you know where I can acquire a Pocahontas coloring book, made of white, smooth paper, with her hair not colored in with black already, you'd be my best friend.

My appointment with a doctor to review my bone scans and MRI was on the 30th.
Let me tell you something about waiting rooms...
they're not my friend.
They're the only place I've wanted to stay in, but leave so badly.
Staying meant not having to confront potentially the worst news of my life.
But, hearing my name being called, and leaving that uncomfortable chair, meant being able to move on with this thing and become one step closer to the end of this chapter, regardless of the turns it took.
In that room, I didn't want to do either.

Fortunately, that appointment brought news we were hoping for.
Dr. Scott, the nicest man with a bolo tie, believes my tumor is an aneurysmal bone cyst.
This means, the tumor grew from inside my bone, eating away a good two inches of it, and has been ballooning out the back of it.
Icky, right?
Of course, there is a slight chance it is cancer.
Dr. Scott is extremely confident it's not, but in order to proceed with treatment, I had to have a biopsy.
That took place on the 3rd of this month.
I was hoping the get the results on Thursday, but they didn't come.
Soooo, cross your fingers for this Tuesday.

Walking into my house, returning from the hospital that day was the best feeling.
As soon as I entered, my dad wrapped me in the biggest hug.
His smile was beaming as he said with his loud voice,
"My daughter doesn't have cancer!"
And I just wanted to cry so many happy, relieved tears.
I had never felt so much love as I did in that moment,
being surrounded by my family, celebrating the best of the hard news.

Since that news, the weight has been lighter, but weight is definitely still there.
The tumor could still be cancerous, even if it's not, I'll have surgery and bone grafts,
That's not the most pleasant thing to think about.
Now actually knowing what is in my leg freaks me out.
I hate thinking about it.
It makes me want to just cut it out myself. Clearly my patience is still lacking a bit...
Being around lots of people still makes me anxious.
I like being home, it's where I feel safe and calm.
Conversation isn't as draining as it was a week ago, but still not back to pre-tumor diagnosis.
I still cry a lot, but I can control it more.
I'm typically still tired by 8:00pm.
Annnd I still love Pocahontas.

If we're close, and this is the first you're hearing about this, please don't feel hurt. It's not because I don't hold you dear, but because I find no joy in calling people up to tell them I have a tumor. In fact, telling people has been the most difficult part about this.
Knowing I could possibly have cancer has been tough, but watching those I love, know that I could possibly have cancer, is an entirely different, tougher experience.

Watching their eyes when I finish informing them is the most difficult. For instance...

When I told my boyfriend the news, and his eyes filled with concern, and he pulled me close and held me so tight. Then stared at the x-rays trying to dissect them like the medical student he is.

When I told my friends at church, so they would be aware that I'd be slacking in my calling, and they looked at me, with eagerness, wanting to know answers and what they can do to help.

When I had a hard time even looking at my dad, because his eyes were the saddest of all. And all I wanted to do was fix it, because I didn't want him to hurt for a second.

When my sister fled the room after I entered because she didn't want me to see her cry. So I chased her and told her it was okay, because those tears were made of love.

When my mom's eyes were coated with strength, and when I looked at her, I knew I could make it through, even when I broke down and cried those uncontrollable tears.

When I saw a friend I hadn't talked to in a while, and she shared her exact same experience with me. And the words "I'm so sorry, Karinne" had never been more sincere. All I could do was cry, because I hated the fact that she'd felt the way I had, but I was so glad she could truly understand.

On the 24th, hearing the words, "it's a tumor". I didn't know why it was happening, all I knew was that it was. I didn't feel like God had let me down or that He forgot about me. After the shock, and letting things sink in, I realized He wants me to grow even more. He wants me to learn, to experience, and to develop empathy. I don't have a tumor to keep me down, but to keep me going; to push me to what I think are my limits. Even when the tears won't stop, the sleep won't come, and the anxiety hits a whole new level, I know it is for my good. He hasn't let me down so far, I don't see why that would change now.

I wasn't tempted to ask myself why. Why me? Why now?
Why not me? I'm just as human as anyone else. Why would I be exempt from physical illness?
At first I thought now was a terrible time- January was going so well!
4 classes,
full-time work,
weight training,
a new man in my life,
and friends & family time kept my days good and full.
Balancing everything was tough, but I felt like I was getting my rhythm & figuring this semester out.
I was feeling so motivated & accomplished.
Then bam, a serious curve ball.

It took a sweet visit from my aunt Julie, to help me see that now, was a great time for something like this to happen. Her visit hit my core. She reminded me of what I had forgotten. She talked about how she's followed my blog,"Look back at yourself a year ago. You have grown so much. You've shared how much you've learned and how well you've been taking care of your body. If something like this was going to happen to you, now is a good time for it. You're so strong, Karinne."

She was right.
I am the strongest I've ever been. I have a firm grasp on who I am, and why I do what I do. Now is the best time for me to feel all these diverse emotions, I understand them more now than I ever could have a year ago.

This semester was a good one for me to be down for a bit, but I didn't see it at first.
I finally had the motivation to finish my degree... now this stinkin' tumor is trying to mess it all up...
Fortunately, I only needed to drop one class.
My mom and I are taking an online class together, and she has gone above and beyond to help me study biology with my distracted mind.
She also is a genius and has spent sooo much time helping me get through math. She even offered to drop her classes, to help me finish mine... and I'll just cry as I write that.
Because of the grace of my mother, I'll be able to finish my classes and still graduate in December. 

Work is more than flexible and that's an understatement.
The perks of a family business :)
Every single one of my family members has offered to take my shifts.
I can only handle so much, and they pick up my slack.
I am so incredibly grateful to work with and for them.
Had I been working somewhere else, I don't know if I could have handled it.
My calm, put-together mental state has only been good for three hours, four at the most.
They have all been dreams. I cannot explain my gratitude for their willingness to take care of me.
Words could never do my feelings justice. I am so thankful for all they've done to hold me up, when I couldn't do it myself. That, my friends, will be a post for another day.

I was worried about my new relationship with the sweetest of men.
Situations like these aren't exactly ideal for a new relationship,
it's a lot all at once.
But honestly, it's only brought us closer and strengthened us as a whole.

As for my weight training.. clearly it's being put on hold.
And honestly, I am upset about it.
I've worked sooo hard to make my body stronger.
I was finally seeing the good results I wanted.
I felt like all that hard work was a waste.
But, the man in my life reminded me of something, without skipping a beat,
"This is a reason people work out, so when things like this happen, their bodies can recover faster than if they hadn't been exercising."
& that is truth.
I am grateful I have made my body strong. I'll just be a little jealous when you say you went to the gym.. nbd ;)

  When we think we've surpassed our limits, I believe our maker surrounds us with those who can keep us together, to remind us of the strength we have within ourselves.

I've honestly never felt so fragile in my life.

 But all of you have kept me together.

Know this scripture verse?

"...bear one another's burdens, that they may be light."

I thought I understood it, I really did.

Turns out, I really didn't.
Now I do.

 I've never had an experience like this before in my life. Ever.

As my mom likes to put it, "The most you've had is a hangnail."

I like to say the worst I've had is a bee sting.. but you get my point.

Friends and family weren't slow to respond.

I am so grateful for all the thoughts, cards, gifts, visits, treats, flowers, texts, calls, and prayers my family and I have received through all of this.

Every single time one of you reaches out to me, you lift my spirits and make my burden lighter.

I know I am not alone in this.

I have so many souls to rely on, it brings tears to my eyes to know how cared about I truly am.

You've all touched my heart & changed it.

I know this road won't be easy,

but all of you have made it lighter.
I keep all the cards and letters I've received taped on my bedroom wall, to remind me of all the goodness I'm surrounded by, all the love I have been given, and all the strength I have around and inside me.

I know I'll make it through, because of you.

I'll keep you posted ;)

An Encourager.

 Last week, Owen & I went to the dinosaur museum at Thanksgiving Point.
We had a blast.

At a point in the exhibit, we were given two options;
we could continue down the hall to the next display,
or we could turn left.
The left's path was dark and made to feel like outer space,
with lots of bright little stars.

"Owen, do you want to go this way?" I asked him.
He said no, and booked it past the left's entrance.
I wasn't surprised.
It was dark & a bit scary for a three-year-old.

After we had gone through the whole exhibit once, he wanted to go again.
So we did.
We arrived at that point again, and he stopped at the left's entrance.
I could tell he wanted to go in, but was nervous to do it.
"Want to go in?" I asked.
"I can't do it.." he replied.
"Sure you can, I'll show you."
I took his hand, and we stepped into the dark room.
"See? It's like outer space, see all the stars? It's like we're astronauts!"
He laughed with a mix of nerves and excitement "Oooh, I'm a astronaut!"

 We made it through outer space, and he wanted to go again.
And again.
And again.
 Each time he held my hand the whole way.
 

 
This past week was a bit stressful... to say the least.

School started.

& life is hard to juggle.

I've found people are put in our paths at precisely the right time,

to teach us & give us things we perhaps wouldn't have learned & found otherwise.

On Wednesday I was at my dear friend's house. Her dad (who I hadn't seen in quite some time) asked me about something that had caused me a lot of heartbreak the past year or so. He asked how I was doing with it, and where I was now.
I was a bit caught off guard. He remembered such a confusing and sad time I had experienced & he genuinely wanted to know how I was. His "I'm glad to see you're doing well" was full of truth.
It was so sweet.
It reminded me of how often his daughter had taken my hand during those dark times. So frequently, she let go of what she was doing to be by my side and help me when I was so broken. There's no doubt in my mind, she was put on my path to guide me through.
I am forever grateful for you, Ms King.

Thursday after the longest 12 hours, I arrived home, covered in tears.
The week had caught up to me.
My mind was a jumbled mess.
I can't do this.
I can't work, go to school, get my homework done, have time with my family, take care of my body, date, have friends, & do what I want to for church.
It's too much.
I can't do it.
 But my mom knew I could.
She took my hand
& said the encouraging words I needed to hear to lift me up from my doubt.
Then she brought me a mug of water,
because I believe everything tastes better from a mug.
& sat on my bed until my tears stopped and I was ready to go to sleep.

Friday evening was spent with the sweetest man.
He had an assignment he needed to finish and
although I had homework to do as well, my brain was fried.
So I sat near to him & leaned my tired frame on his shoulder while he got his work done.
In the middle of a problem he was doing, he turned to me, cupped my face in his hands, looked me in the eyes, and said,
"You're wonderful.
Do you know that?
You're so wonderful & need to know it."
He knew what I needed to not only hear, but know.

Just like I was able to take Owen's hand, and show him he could walk through the darkness even though he was unsure, these 3 souls did the same for me;

Over those long months, Ms King didn't say 'Stop whining about it, get over it.' On Thursday, Mom didn't say, 'You're overreacting. Get yourself together.'
And the sweetest man didn't hesitate to grab my hand and say, 'You can do it.' 

They all saw where I was, took my shaking hand, and showed me who I could be.
I am so grateful for their souls.



Who has pulled you through your doubt?

23 has been good to me.

I feel like my mind finally matches my soul.

It's as if my soul is singing, dancing, and cheering, "Rin, you did it!!"

 If you knew me in high school, or even a couple years ago... maybe even one year ago... you may recognize my face now, but my insides are much different. It's taken me a long time- let's say, my whole life- to get here, but I made it.

This quote, I love:

Isn't that brilliant? It hit me like a ton of bricks.
When I read it, all I could think was,

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I worked so hard to learn to love myself and had arrived at such a good place. However, the new me ran into some complications... Some people took me voicing my opinions as arrogance and my confidence as being a self-centered know-it-all. And that, my friends, is hard to take. It held me back for a while. When I've worked so very hard to get here; to feel comfortable & confident in my own skin and mind. To have people reject that, frustrated me to tears.

How could you not like the best version of myself?
How could you try to tear down what I've built within me?
Whatever their answers are, they don't matter.

I know who I am.
The only opinions of me that truly matter, are that of my own & that of God's.
I know my heart & He understands it, too.
That's all I need.

Actually believing and applying that mentality, changed my life.
It broke my chains.

I care more now of what I think of myself, rather than what people think of me.

No more agreeing simply to avoid confrontation.

No more holding my tongue out of fear of feeling vulnerable.

No more burying my emotions out of possible rejection.

I'm not afraid to disagree, we can still be friends.

I'm not scared of being vulnerable, because I'm strong.
I'm not afraid of being rejected,
because:

Know who I love? Susan Boyle. She's so sassy and classy. Ever heard this song of hers?

I feel exactly how she sings at 3:45. 

I'm like, 'Whoa, Susan, how did you do that? Your song matches my soul, lady.'
Cheesy? Probably. But truthful nonetheless.
Right now, I am who I was born to be.
Thanks Sus.

In this 23-year-old mind, a few things changed that helped me arrive at this 'born to be' mentality;

One-

I came to grips with this boy...
Why have I let them have so much power over my emotions?.. I'm such a girl... ugh.

A long time ago, I felt he was 'it'.

Yeah, he wasn't...

I was that kind of sad where I couldn't even cry because my mind & heart wouldn't accept the news. It's the total opposite of what they'd thought and felt for so long, how could the new news be right? Things can't just switch like that, but they do. & they did.

I felt like a fool.

I can't even tell you how long this event fogged my mind; how long I thought of him, how many times I'd look at my phone hoping for anything from him, how many nights I'd fall asleep with him as my last thought. Like in the song 'Highway Don't Care' when Tim & Tay sing I bet you're bending God's ear talking about me... That was me for months.

When you find yourself in the rubble, you want nothing more than to go back to the moments before the crash, before the break. I clung to that time and wouldn't accept that those moments wouldn't happen again- ever.

So I kept going back to him, when he let me.

This time is different.

He'll see it now.

This is it.

But of course, the outcome was exactly the same as it had been before.

Until, I accepted that we were rubble,

and that's all we'd ever be.
& I haven't gone back since.

He'd still contact me.
So I made it so he couldn't.
You let me go, so let me go completely.

I'm pretty sure Passenger wrote their hit about him...
Just saying.

Now that I'm through it,
I am so glad he let me go.

I learned so much because of it. Perhaps that can be a post for another day.
A favorite quote of mine goes like this:

& now, I see...
I wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready for that match girls dream about.
I wasn't ready to be the complete, intelligent, goofy, honest woman I wanted to be for a partner.
My confidence & courage weren't rooted deep enough.
I didn't know how to keep myself from slipping into I have a boyfriend mode. You ladies out there know what I'm talking about; where you drop everything you love to be with a boy... it's so silly.

But now, I got it.
My confidence & courage are planted deep.

These roots aren't coming out.

After learning to love myself completely, being with a partner who can do the same (not only loving me, but loving their own self completely) is vital, or I know I'll lose what I've built, in a matter of months...

I know the kind of person I want to be with;
The kind of person who doesn't want me to drop what I'm doing to come be with them, but finish what I want to accomplish, and they'll wait patiently.
The kind of person who wants me to keep up those hobbies I love, because they make me so much of who I am.
The kind of person who appreciates my growth & wants to see & help it continue.
The kind of person who is excited to see me succeed in new endeavors.
The kind of person I can go days without seeing, but exchange one or two texts a day, and it's enough, because we both get it.

That kind of connection is out there.
It just waits until you're ready, to find you.

Two-

I've changed my body.
The thing is, I had to change my mentality towards my body, before changing my body itself. Body image is something I have struggled with since I was about 14. I never thought much of my thin frame, until I entered 9th grade. I let my peers' words about my 100 pound vessel really impact how I saw it.

You may be thinking how could she have any body image issues, she's always been thin... poor girl... *rolls the eyes.
Well, my friends, that may be precisely the reason for my struggle. I can't tell you how many times through the years girls have looked at me and said,
"Geez, Karinne, you're so skinny."
 "Look at that, I can see your spine."
"How are you so tiny?"

  Now, these words alone are relatively harmless. However, it was the attitude within the words & the looks that came with them that impacted how I saw myself.
 It was as if those gals were saying my frame was a bad thing.
Their words hit my core, as if I shouldn't be comfortable in my skin.

The looks were the worst part of it all. I thought I saw disgust & hatred within those looks.
Now, I see those looks were made of envy.
That's the game we played in high school.
The I'm-jealous-of-you-so-I'll-tell-you-something-that-sounds-like-a-compliment-but-really-I'm-bringing-you-down-so-I-feel-better-about-myself-because-I'm-insecure game.
The game itself is just as exhausting as reading that title was.
& we all played it.

Realizing this, and seeing how I got the negative body image that I had, gave me the tools to overcome it and turn it around. It's taken me a long time, almost 6 years, to work through the battle of looking in the mirror and liking what I see. But now, I wouldn't change a thing on my body. I'm done critiquing this incredible gift.

I've been taking much better care of it than I ever have. 

I'm seeing some results from my strength training! I feel like a beast & it's fantastic.

I've never really felt physically strong before. My weak arms have been the butt of many family jokes. Not anymore :)

Truly loving my body makes life a lot easier;

it's easy to eat healthier food, because I care about how my body will react to it.

It's easy to pass up dessert, because I know my stomach won't appreciate all that sugar.

It's easy to go to bed earlier, because I want to feel rested.

It's easy to make time for the gym, because I want to be strong.

I've never felt as good in my own skin as I do now.
 
Three-

I've been working on my brains. 

Yep, I'm taking more classes next semester. I have 8 more until I will have my Associate's degree.

Isn't that exciting? It's been a long process... 

and that, my friends, will also be a story for another time. Let's say after 8 more classes, yes? 

Also, something happened... I had to take the placement test for math... I didn't do too hot... like 950 cold. Yep. That's what not doing any kind of math for 6 years will do to your brain. So I studied until my brain was full to capacity (thank you Mom & Brys for the help) & took the test again. As I clicked on the last answer & hit 'continue', I felt sick. I did not want to go to the next page to see the results 

Please 990. Please 990.

Then something crazy happened.

The screen read: 

Suggested placement:

MATH 1010

Wha?? There's an error. They're going to tell me it's a mistake. There's no way that's right.

I went to the receptionist and the really nice guy there grabbed my paper from his printer and said, "You got into 1010, is that okay?"

I smiled, laughed, and danced through the school, out the doors, in the parking lot, in my car, until I got home to tell the fam my happy news :)

So schooling begins... We shall see where this endeavor will take me. I'm really excited.

Four-

I've got out of my comfort zone.

& made some really good friends in the process.

I've mentioned before, it's really easy for me to keep to myself. I have no problem being alone on a Friday night, reading, writing, or hitting the gym. I like my comfort zone... My mind used to jump to 'no' and make a silly excuse when I'd get invited to do something. Perhaps I'm naturally a bit of an introvert... There's nothing wrong with that, but I wanted to change it. I wanted to want to go to parties, gatherings, and events. I wanted to connect with people and learn from them. So this year, I changed my quick mental 'no', to a verbal, 'yes!'. 

& I've had the grandest of times with the loveliest of folks.

When I was invited by an (at the time) acquaintance, on a short-noticed road trip to California, I said yes. & I'll never forget staying up until 3am, after an epic concert, laughing about boys with her. That trip opened the door to our friendship. We found we had so much in common & were connected in ways we hadn't known. She is one gal I admire & try to emulate. I have learned so much from her, her heart, and her humor.
Love you, Mrs. Mayer ;)

When a gal I knew but had never really talked to moved back from college and asked me to hang out, I said yes. We laugh so hard together. She has one of the freest souls I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. She is brave, genuine, and so down-to-earth. I am so glad we've become friends after all these years. Thanks for all the pumpkin & Zupas adventures.
Love you, lady.
 (hashtaghelloeurope, hashtagbejealous)

When a gal I had known (and by 'known', I mean we knew of each other for years, but had never said a word to one another) introduced herself to me and said we should get together, I didn't brush it off. Know when you say 'let's hang out!' to a friend, but you never really do? Well I didn't want that to be the case here & neither did she. So we went to this neat restaurant and talked for hours; swapping bad date stories, our frustrations, our successes, & our joys. She has become one of those girls I know has my back, and I have hers. She's such an example to me of love, confidence, & genuine friendship.
Thanks, 'friend' :)

Once I had the 'yes' thing down, I wanted to go a step further...
Something I've struggled with is telling people how I feel (talk about serious uncomfortableness...).
I wanted to change that too.
So I thought of those souls I have admired, but have never told. I got on old facebook, wrote letters, sent texts, or told them in person, if I could, what they had done for me.
It's freeing in a way, to let those thoughts go out to the people who created them.

 One response completely changed me. This gal's words gave me so much strength & faith. I wrote her words down so I could keep them forever. She's one of those gals you feel like the coolest person ever, talking to. She builds you up & is so sincere and honest. I look up to her in so many ways. She will forever remain in my heart.
I love you.
#chinup ;)

One soul I've never had trouble sharing my thoughts with is one of my closest friends. I cannot even begin to explain how much we click & how blown away by her brilliance & resilience I am. We are kindred spirits, she and I. We don't see each other as much as we used to, gotta love college, but that makes the time we do have together even better. Know those people who have helped you so much, it's hard to find words for your love for them? This is one of those cases. Every time I tell her how much she has helped me, her responses always blow me away.
To you, future author & book signing companion,
I love you with the full amount of care that can be put into those 3 words.

Five-
I've found peace in my spirit.
I've realized love is the #1 thing in life;
Not romantic love with my dream man,
but being
compassion
sensitivity
empathy
tenderness
kindness
& tolerance.

I type these words as nouns, not as verbs, because I want to live in such a way that I become compassion; that it is what my soul is made of. So that it's not just an action, but who I truly am at my core.

I'm going to be honest here...

One thing I've struggled with a lot is the religion I identify with.
Not because of its teachings,
but because of some people within the religion- the loud ones.

It's been a long struggle.

I've had a hard time saying, "I'm LDS."
Not because I'm ashamed of it.
Not because I wish I wasn't,
but because of the stigma that can go along with it.

I've met people within my religion that have frustrated me.
Their attitudes & insensitivity have often brought tears to my eyes & anger to my heart.

I haven't wanted anyone to assume that I'm like those loud members.

 I don't want anyone to feel like I'll think less of them if they live differently than me.

I don't want anyone to think I feel they aren't worthy of love.

I've realized, (here is my 'ah ha' moment (thank you Oprah... and Dad for helping me in my tears)), if people judge and assume things about me because I am LDS, then they're doing the exact same thing those loud members of the church do that drives me bonkers... making assumptions about people based on a label.

So why should I worry about anyone who won't see me for who I am, but only what they assume me to be?

I've come to realize, people know me based on my actions, not by what religion I am apart of. 
My behavior makes me a better person, not my beliefs alone. 
Because what I truly believe, shows through my behavior. 

& I believe in love.

 Which is...

I know who I am.

I know what I believe.

I know what saying "I'm LDS" means to me,

so I show it,

& that's what is important.

Six-
I've realized I am enough, just the way I am.
 I've had those words up on my wall for about 2 years.
I haven't fully believed them, until now.

I've realized I don't need to change for anyone; friends, family, or boyfriends,
because I am enough just the way I am.

I found this when I started looking outside myself.
When I started thinking about others more than I thought of my own wants;
When I volunteered at the soup kitchen.
When I took the time to truly listen to people as they told me their heartaches, and tried my best to comfort them.
When I made time to see people, visit with them, and hear their stories.
When I brought in a neighbor's trash cans, because they have 5 little kids, and hardly any spare time.
When I let a lady use my snow scraper to clear her car windows, in the freezing night, because her plastic bag just wasn't cutting it.
When I remembered a gal's birthday who was struggling & took her a treat.
When I sat by new faces at church.
When I listened to a family member cry out their frustrations & couldn't help but have tears fall too.
When I sent a family member a gift, even though there will probably be no 'thank you' in return.
Ultimately, when I stopped thinking of time as mine.

As I've done these things, I've seen the value of every soul;
they all deserve love to the fullest degree.
So why wouldn't I deserve the same?

We are all enough.
We are all worthy of love.
We don't need to change who we are at our core for anyone.
We don't need to settle.
We all deserve more than we allow ourselves to believe.
& I fully believe that.

 So I wanted to remember 23 & how good it's been to me.

We often save nice picture taking for special events; birthdays, weddings, engagements, graduations, and holidays, but I didn't want to wait for something 'special',
because, everyday of my life is a special occasion.
So I asked the lovely Kimberly King to take some pictures of me.
All the ones in this post were taken by her talented eyes.

I won't look back at these photos and remember one particular event or moment while I was 23,
but millions that led me to the greatness within me.

Thanks for reading this novel of my heart.

How's your age been?