An Encourager.

 Last week, Owen & I went to the dinosaur museum at Thanksgiving Point.
We had a blast.

At a point in the exhibit, we were given two options;
we could continue down the hall to the next display,
or we could turn left.
The left's path was dark and made to feel like outer space,
with lots of bright little stars.

"Owen, do you want to go this way?" I asked him.
He said no, and booked it past the left's entrance.
I wasn't surprised.
It was dark & a bit scary for a three-year-old.

After we had gone through the whole exhibit once, he wanted to go again.
So we did.
We arrived at that point again, and he stopped at the left's entrance.
I could tell he wanted to go in, but was nervous to do it.
"Want to go in?" I asked.
"I can't do it.." he replied.
"Sure you can, I'll show you."
I took his hand, and we stepped into the dark room.
"See? It's like outer space, see all the stars? It's like we're astronauts!"
He laughed with a mix of nerves and excitement "Oooh, I'm a astronaut!"

 We made it through outer space, and he wanted to go again.
And again.
And again.
 Each time he held my hand the whole way.
 

 
This past week was a bit stressful... to say the least.

School started.

& life is hard to juggle.

I've found people are put in our paths at precisely the right time,

to teach us & give us things we perhaps wouldn't have learned & found otherwise.

On Wednesday I was at my dear friend's house. Her dad (who I hadn't seen in quite some time) asked me about something that had caused me a lot of heartbreak the past year or so. He asked how I was doing with it, and where I was now.
I was a bit caught off guard. He remembered such a confusing and sad time I had experienced & he genuinely wanted to know how I was. His "I'm glad to see you're doing well" was full of truth.
It was so sweet.
It reminded me of how often his daughter had taken my hand during those dark times. So frequently, she let go of what she was doing to be by my side and help me when I was so broken. There's no doubt in my mind, she was put on my path to guide me through.
I am forever grateful for you, Ms King.

Thursday after the longest 12 hours, I arrived home, covered in tears.
The week had caught up to me.
My mind was a jumbled mess.
I can't do this.
I can't work, go to school, get my homework done, have time with my family, take care of my body, date, have friends, & do what I want to for church.
It's too much.
I can't do it.
 But my mom knew I could.
She took my hand
& said the encouraging words I needed to hear to lift me up from my doubt.
Then she brought me a mug of water,
because I believe everything tastes better from a mug.
& sat on my bed until my tears stopped and I was ready to go to sleep.

Friday evening was spent with the sweetest man.
He had an assignment he needed to finish and
although I had homework to do as well, my brain was fried.
So I sat near to him & leaned my tired frame on his shoulder while he got his work done.
In the middle of a problem he was doing, he turned to me, cupped my face in his hands, looked me in the eyes, and said,
"You're wonderful.
Do you know that?
You're so wonderful & need to know it."
He knew what I needed to not only hear, but know.

Just like I was able to take Owen's hand, and show him he could walk through the darkness even though he was unsure, these 3 souls did the same for me;

Over those long months, Ms King didn't say 'Stop whining about it, get over it.' On Thursday, Mom didn't say, 'You're overreacting. Get yourself together.'
And the sweetest man didn't hesitate to grab my hand and say, 'You can do it.' 

They all saw where I was, took my shaking hand, and showed me who I could be.
I am so grateful for their souls.



Who has pulled you through your doubt?

23 has been good to me.

I feel like my mind finally matches my soul.

It's as if my soul is singing, dancing, and cheering, "Rin, you did it!!"

 If you knew me in high school, or even a couple years ago... maybe even one year ago... you may recognize my face now, but my insides are much different. It's taken me a long time- let's say, my whole life- to get here, but I made it.

This quote, I love:

Isn't that brilliant? It hit me like a ton of bricks.
When I read it, all I could think was,

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I worked so hard to learn to love myself and had arrived at such a good place. However, the new me ran into some complications... Some people took me voicing my opinions as arrogance and my confidence as being a self-centered know-it-all. And that, my friends, is hard to take. It held me back for a while. When I've worked so very hard to get here; to feel comfortable & confident in my own skin and mind. To have people reject that, frustrated me to tears.

How could you not like the best version of myself?
How could you try to tear down what I've built within me?
Whatever their answers are, they don't matter.

I know who I am.
The only opinions of me that truly matter, are that of my own & that of God's.
I know my heart & He understands it, too.
That's all I need.

Actually believing and applying that mentality, changed my life.
It broke my chains.

I care more now of what I think of myself, rather than what people think of me.

No more agreeing simply to avoid confrontation.

No more holding my tongue out of fear of feeling vulnerable.

No more burying my emotions out of possible rejection.

I'm not afraid to disagree, we can still be friends.

I'm not scared of being vulnerable, because I'm strong.
I'm not afraid of being rejected,
because:

Know who I love? Susan Boyle. She's so sassy and classy. Ever heard this song of hers?

I feel exactly how she sings at 3:45. 

I'm like, 'Whoa, Susan, how did you do that? Your song matches my soul, lady.'
Cheesy? Probably. But truthful nonetheless.
Right now, I am who I was born to be.
Thanks Sus.

In this 23-year-old mind, a few things changed that helped me arrive at this 'born to be' mentality;

One-

I came to grips with this boy...
Why have I let them have so much power over my emotions?.. I'm such a girl... ugh.

A long time ago, I felt he was 'it'.

Yeah, he wasn't...

I was that kind of sad where I couldn't even cry because my mind & heart wouldn't accept the news. It's the total opposite of what they'd thought and felt for so long, how could the new news be right? Things can't just switch like that, but they do. & they did.

I felt like a fool.

I can't even tell you how long this event fogged my mind; how long I thought of him, how many times I'd look at my phone hoping for anything from him, how many nights I'd fall asleep with him as my last thought. Like in the song 'Highway Don't Care' when Tim & Tay sing I bet you're bending God's ear talking about me... That was me for months.

When you find yourself in the rubble, you want nothing more than to go back to the moments before the crash, before the break. I clung to that time and wouldn't accept that those moments wouldn't happen again- ever.

So I kept going back to him, when he let me.

This time is different.

He'll see it now.

This is it.

But of course, the outcome was exactly the same as it had been before.

Until, I accepted that we were rubble,

and that's all we'd ever be.
& I haven't gone back since.

He'd still contact me.
So I made it so he couldn't.
You let me go, so let me go completely.

I'm pretty sure Passenger wrote their hit about him...
Just saying.

Now that I'm through it,
I am so glad he let me go.

I learned so much because of it. Perhaps that can be a post for another day.
A favorite quote of mine goes like this:

& now, I see...
I wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready for that match girls dream about.
I wasn't ready to be the complete, intelligent, goofy, honest woman I wanted to be for a partner.
My confidence & courage weren't rooted deep enough.
I didn't know how to keep myself from slipping into I have a boyfriend mode. You ladies out there know what I'm talking about; where you drop everything you love to be with a boy... it's so silly.

But now, I got it.
My confidence & courage are planted deep.

These roots aren't coming out.

After learning to love myself completely, being with a partner who can do the same (not only loving me, but loving their own self completely) is vital, or I know I'll lose what I've built, in a matter of months...

I know the kind of person I want to be with;
The kind of person who doesn't want me to drop what I'm doing to come be with them, but finish what I want to accomplish, and they'll wait patiently.
The kind of person who wants me to keep up those hobbies I love, because they make me so much of who I am.
The kind of person who appreciates my growth & wants to see & help it continue.
The kind of person who is excited to see me succeed in new endeavors.
The kind of person I can go days without seeing, but exchange one or two texts a day, and it's enough, because we both get it.

That kind of connection is out there.
It just waits until you're ready, to find you.

Two-

I've changed my body.
The thing is, I had to change my mentality towards my body, before changing my body itself. Body image is something I have struggled with since I was about 14. I never thought much of my thin frame, until I entered 9th grade. I let my peers' words about my 100 pound vessel really impact how I saw it.

You may be thinking how could she have any body image issues, she's always been thin... poor girl... *rolls the eyes.
Well, my friends, that may be precisely the reason for my struggle. I can't tell you how many times through the years girls have looked at me and said,
"Geez, Karinne, you're so skinny."
 "Look at that, I can see your spine."
"How are you so tiny?"

  Now, these words alone are relatively harmless. However, it was the attitude within the words & the looks that came with them that impacted how I saw myself.
 It was as if those gals were saying my frame was a bad thing.
Their words hit my core, as if I shouldn't be comfortable in my skin.

The looks were the worst part of it all. I thought I saw disgust & hatred within those looks.
Now, I see those looks were made of envy.
That's the game we played in high school.
The I'm-jealous-of-you-so-I'll-tell-you-something-that-sounds-like-a-compliment-but-really-I'm-bringing-you-down-so-I-feel-better-about-myself-because-I'm-insecure game.
The game itself is just as exhausting as reading that title was.
& we all played it.

Realizing this, and seeing how I got the negative body image that I had, gave me the tools to overcome it and turn it around. It's taken me a long time, almost 6 years, to work through the battle of looking in the mirror and liking what I see. But now, I wouldn't change a thing on my body. I'm done critiquing this incredible gift.

I've been taking much better care of it than I ever have. 

I'm seeing some results from my strength training! I feel like a beast & it's fantastic.

I've never really felt physically strong before. My weak arms have been the butt of many family jokes. Not anymore :)

Truly loving my body makes life a lot easier;

it's easy to eat healthier food, because I care about how my body will react to it.

It's easy to pass up dessert, because I know my stomach won't appreciate all that sugar.

It's easy to go to bed earlier, because I want to feel rested.

It's easy to make time for the gym, because I want to be strong.

I've never felt as good in my own skin as I do now.
 
Three-

I've been working on my brains. 

Yep, I'm taking more classes next semester. I have 8 more until I will have my Associate's degree.

Isn't that exciting? It's been a long process... 

and that, my friends, will also be a story for another time. Let's say after 8 more classes, yes? 

Also, something happened... I had to take the placement test for math... I didn't do too hot... like 950 cold. Yep. That's what not doing any kind of math for 6 years will do to your brain. So I studied until my brain was full to capacity (thank you Mom & Brys for the help) & took the test again. As I clicked on the last answer & hit 'continue', I felt sick. I did not want to go to the next page to see the results 

Please 990. Please 990.

Then something crazy happened.

The screen read: 

Suggested placement:

MATH 1010

Wha?? There's an error. They're going to tell me it's a mistake. There's no way that's right.

I went to the receptionist and the really nice guy there grabbed my paper from his printer and said, "You got into 1010, is that okay?"

I smiled, laughed, and danced through the school, out the doors, in the parking lot, in my car, until I got home to tell the fam my happy news :)

So schooling begins... We shall see where this endeavor will take me. I'm really excited.

Four-

I've got out of my comfort zone.

& made some really good friends in the process.

I've mentioned before, it's really easy for me to keep to myself. I have no problem being alone on a Friday night, reading, writing, or hitting the gym. I like my comfort zone... My mind used to jump to 'no' and make a silly excuse when I'd get invited to do something. Perhaps I'm naturally a bit of an introvert... There's nothing wrong with that, but I wanted to change it. I wanted to want to go to parties, gatherings, and events. I wanted to connect with people and learn from them. So this year, I changed my quick mental 'no', to a verbal, 'yes!'. 

& I've had the grandest of times with the loveliest of folks.

When I was invited by an (at the time) acquaintance, on a short-noticed road trip to California, I said yes. & I'll never forget staying up until 3am, after an epic concert, laughing about boys with her. That trip opened the door to our friendship. We found we had so much in common & were connected in ways we hadn't known. She is one gal I admire & try to emulate. I have learned so much from her, her heart, and her humor.
Love you, Mrs. Mayer ;)

When a gal I knew but had never really talked to moved back from college and asked me to hang out, I said yes. We laugh so hard together. She has one of the freest souls I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. She is brave, genuine, and so down-to-earth. I am so glad we've become friends after all these years. Thanks for all the pumpkin & Zupas adventures.
Love you, lady.
 (hashtaghelloeurope, hashtagbejealous)

When a gal I had known (and by 'known', I mean we knew of each other for years, but had never said a word to one another) introduced herself to me and said we should get together, I didn't brush it off. Know when you say 'let's hang out!' to a friend, but you never really do? Well I didn't want that to be the case here & neither did she. So we went to this neat restaurant and talked for hours; swapping bad date stories, our frustrations, our successes, & our joys. She has become one of those girls I know has my back, and I have hers. She's such an example to me of love, confidence, & genuine friendship.
Thanks, 'friend' :)

Once I had the 'yes' thing down, I wanted to go a step further...
Something I've struggled with is telling people how I feel (talk about serious uncomfortableness...).
I wanted to change that too.
So I thought of those souls I have admired, but have never told. I got on old facebook, wrote letters, sent texts, or told them in person, if I could, what they had done for me.
It's freeing in a way, to let those thoughts go out to the people who created them.

 One response completely changed me. This gal's words gave me so much strength & faith. I wrote her words down so I could keep them forever. She's one of those gals you feel like the coolest person ever, talking to. She builds you up & is so sincere and honest. I look up to her in so many ways. She will forever remain in my heart.
I love you.
#chinup ;)

One soul I've never had trouble sharing my thoughts with is one of my closest friends. I cannot even begin to explain how much we click & how blown away by her brilliance & resilience I am. We are kindred spirits, she and I. We don't see each other as much as we used to, gotta love college, but that makes the time we do have together even better. Know those people who have helped you so much, it's hard to find words for your love for them? This is one of those cases. Every time I tell her how much she has helped me, her responses always blow me away.
To you, future author & book signing companion,
I love you with the full amount of care that can be put into those 3 words.

Five-
I've found peace in my spirit.
I've realized love is the #1 thing in life;
Not romantic love with my dream man,
but being
compassion
sensitivity
empathy
tenderness
kindness
& tolerance.

I type these words as nouns, not as verbs, because I want to live in such a way that I become compassion; that it is what my soul is made of. So that it's not just an action, but who I truly am at my core.

I'm going to be honest here...

One thing I've struggled with a lot is the religion I identify with.
Not because of its teachings,
but because of some people within the religion- the loud ones.

It's been a long struggle.

I've had a hard time saying, "I'm LDS."
Not because I'm ashamed of it.
Not because I wish I wasn't,
but because of the stigma that can go along with it.

I've met people within my religion that have frustrated me.
Their attitudes & insensitivity have often brought tears to my eyes & anger to my heart.

I haven't wanted anyone to assume that I'm like those loud members.

 I don't want anyone to feel like I'll think less of them if they live differently than me.

I don't want anyone to think I feel they aren't worthy of love.

I've realized, (here is my 'ah ha' moment (thank you Oprah... and Dad for helping me in my tears)), if people judge and assume things about me because I am LDS, then they're doing the exact same thing those loud members of the church do that drives me bonkers... making assumptions about people based on a label.

So why should I worry about anyone who won't see me for who I am, but only what they assume me to be?

I've come to realize, people know me based on my actions, not by what religion I am apart of. 
My behavior makes me a better person, not my beliefs alone. 
Because what I truly believe, shows through my behavior. 

& I believe in love.

 Which is...

I know who I am.

I know what I believe.

I know what saying "I'm LDS" means to me,

so I show it,

& that's what is important.

Six-
I've realized I am enough, just the way I am.
 I've had those words up on my wall for about 2 years.
I haven't fully believed them, until now.

I've realized I don't need to change for anyone; friends, family, or boyfriends,
because I am enough just the way I am.

I found this when I started looking outside myself.
When I started thinking about others more than I thought of my own wants;
When I volunteered at the soup kitchen.
When I took the time to truly listen to people as they told me their heartaches, and tried my best to comfort them.
When I made time to see people, visit with them, and hear their stories.
When I brought in a neighbor's trash cans, because they have 5 little kids, and hardly any spare time.
When I let a lady use my snow scraper to clear her car windows, in the freezing night, because her plastic bag just wasn't cutting it.
When I remembered a gal's birthday who was struggling & took her a treat.
When I sat by new faces at church.
When I listened to a family member cry out their frustrations & couldn't help but have tears fall too.
When I sent a family member a gift, even though there will probably be no 'thank you' in return.
Ultimately, when I stopped thinking of time as mine.

As I've done these things, I've seen the value of every soul;
they all deserve love to the fullest degree.
So why wouldn't I deserve the same?

We are all enough.
We are all worthy of love.
We don't need to change who we are at our core for anyone.
We don't need to settle.
We all deserve more than we allow ourselves to believe.
& I fully believe that.

 So I wanted to remember 23 & how good it's been to me.

We often save nice picture taking for special events; birthdays, weddings, engagements, graduations, and holidays, but I didn't want to wait for something 'special',
because, everyday of my life is a special occasion.
So I asked the lovely Kimberly King to take some pictures of me.
All the ones in this post were taken by her talented eyes.

I won't look back at these photos and remember one particular event or moment while I was 23,
but millions that led me to the greatness within me.

Thanks for reading this novel of my heart.

How's your age been?