The Soundtrack of My Life

Once upon a time, three years ago, my ipod broke. Sadly, I didn't have the majority of the music on it saved to the computer. So I've been without those tunes for a long time, and this week it hit me; I really missed my music. So with a bit of luck, my ipod worked long enough for me, with the help from a guy on youtube, to get that music onto my itunes and onto my new ipod.

I forgot about all the songs I had on that baby. I've been listening to them this week and they are taking me back. It's crazy how one song, one tune, can take me to a place in time, and I remember everything; Where I was, who I was with, and most memorable, how I felt.

So i put together a playlist of my life. These aren't necessarily my favorite songs, but songs with a favorite memory. They take me back to a place of love, joy, or realization.

1. Anastasia Soundtrack- "At the Beginning". Back in 1998, Hollie and I would play at our best friend Taylor's house all the time. We'd always play with barbies. Whenever our barbies would go to a dance (which was often) we'd play this song while they danced with their loves. This song takes me back to that time of innocence and ease. Our biggest worry was what dress our doll was going to wear to the dance.

2. Aaron Carter- "That's How I Beat Shaq". The year was 2000. I was 10 years old in fifth grade. I thought he was the cutest boy I'd ever seen. Hollie and I were obsessed with him. We had his posters hung up in our room. We listened to this entire cd over and over and over again, day in and day out. We had every lyric to every song memorized. He came in concert to Thanksgiving Point, so my dad bought us tickets and took us. It was my very first concert. This song takes me back to that outdoor concert, chillin with my dad and sister, and listening to the cutest guy in my world singing about basketball. Those were the days ;)

3. Celine Dion- "Because You Loved Me". This is my parent's song. I remember one day, I was probably around 11 years old, my mom was listening to it. She was sitting by herself in our living room in one of our blue chairs next to the cd player. The sun was shining through the window. She had the album cover in her hands. I assume she was reading the lyrics to their song. I had never see her do this with any other song before. She looked deep in thought. Maybe she was thinking about how far they'd come, 5 kids later. Maybe she was thinking about how much she loved my dad. Maybe they had an argument and she was thinking about the simpler times with just the two of them. A couple days later I took the album cover and read the lyrics too, "You're the one who held me up, never let me fall. You're the one who saw me through it all." My dad hasn't let my mom fall. He's always concerned for her, she may even get annoyed by it at times ;) Maybe that's what was going through her mind. I remember thinking that day about in the future, when I grew up, marrying a man who loves me as much as my dad loves my mom.

4. Kenny Chesney- "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy". My Sister Ashlee has always been a country fan. I remember being 13 years old and her blasting her country tunes as she'd get ready. This was one that she'd sing and dance around to. At that age, my shy self wouldn't think about singing at the top of my lungs and dancing around the basement just for fun. But I always admired that my sister could. As far as I could tell, she never thought much about what people thought of her, and I loved her for being that example to me.

5. Survivor- "Eye of the Tiger". My family has taken many road trips together. On one trip, I don't even remember where we were going or what year it was. Maybe I was 12 or 13. My dad had the radio on and this song was being played. I told him I liked it and he seemed surprised. As we drove, the radio became fuzzier and fuzzier until we couldn't hear the song at all. He turned it off and said, "Sorry Rinner." A little while after our trip my dad came home from work with the Rocky soundtrack, with this song on it, for me. It may not seem like much, but it meant so much to me. Not only that he remembered that I liked that song, but that he went out and bought the cd for me. Being the middle child, having a reserved personality, and louder siblings was kind of a recipe to feel forgotten by my parents at times. But they'd do little things like this, which made me feel important.

6. Brooke White- "Yellow". Ever watch American Idol? Ever watch every single episode from  seasons 1-10? I have. Hollie and I would never miss an episode. We were obsessed with our favorite contestants making it to the finale and would vote dozens of times to try and ensure their survival. One of our favorite seasons was 7. Brooke White, one of our favs, finished 5th. My dad took us to see the American Idol tour in Vegas that summer. It was so fun. She played this song during the show. We loved it.

7. Brand New- "Seventy Times Seven". Dallan introduced me to this band, particularly this song of theirs. I was probably a sophomore in high school. Dal and I became closer then. He was a senior, so we spent more time together, driving to school and such. It was a fun time. I remember when he showed me this song. It was definitely more, what I like to call 'hard core' than what I would listen to. At first I was thinking 'Why are you even showing this to me. . .', but it was the story behind it that caught my interest. Dal explained to me how this song came about. Here's the condensed version: Jesse, the lead singer, was best friends with John. Jesse's girlfriend cheated on him with John. So Jesse wrote this song in response to it. It's so personal. The lyrics are severe, but that shows how much Jesse was hurting. Because of the title, I think he wanted the song to be about forgiveness, but he couldn't bring himself to do so yet. So he wrote about his feelings towards his best friend at the time and didn't hold back. I love that it's so raw and shows his struggle. Dal showing me this story really opened my eyes to the fact that just because a song is harder, doesn't mean it's angry music. Obviously Jesse was angry, this song is brutal, but only because he cared for two people so much, and he wanted to get back to that place. Since then, my taste in music expanded greatly. I don't automatically turn something off because it doesn't sound like happiness. The purpose of music is to express feelings; joyful, heartbroken, and everything in between. Years after I heard this song, I experienced something similar to Jesse. I felt the same struggle he felt; wanting to forgive, but being too bitter to do so. Jesse reminded me that it's okay to not forgive right away. Forgiveness can take some serious time, but as long as you have the smallest desire to do so, you're on your way.

8. Boys Like Girls- "Holiday". My senior year I had a huge crush on this boy. We went to homecoming together. We got to the dance pretty late and were there for maybe one or two slow songs. So after the dance, we drove to Wal Mart, parked the car, and he turned on this song. Then he said we didn't get to slow dance very much back at the school and would I want to dance with him? Gah :) So we danced, all dressed up, in that Wal Mart parking lot. To my 17 year old self, that night was so perfect.

9. Ashlee Simpson- "Boyfriend". So I may or may not have a few guilty pleasures, and Ashlee Simpson's music may or may not be at the very top of that list. The summer after I graduated, my best friend at the time and I would drive around with no where to go. This song was one of my favs and he let me listen to it on our long drives over and over again. I remember him saying, "Again? Seriously??" and laughing. It was such a fun time in my life. Feeling the freedom of graduation, and seeing the possibilites of the future ahead. We could be anything. We felt free.

10. Mandy Moore- "Everblue". We all know Mandy Moore as the gorgeous pop singer, right? In my teens I liked her music. What teenager doesn't like a catchy pop song? I also loved her in A Walk to Remember, I have that movie memorized... But it wasn't until 2009 that I liked her as a human being. I was at the store, and saw her new cd that I didn't know existed. I have no idea why, but I felt compelled to buy it, so I did.

I had heard nothing about this album, but I was hoping it'd be good. I opened it in my car and put it in for the drive home, excited for some new tunes. It. Was. Weird. I was kinda mad I had bought it. But I listened to it all that night anyway, a bit disappointed. Later I did some research on it, wondering why it was titled 'Amanda Leigh'. Turns out, that's her real name. With further reading on wikipedia, I found out why this album was so, as I thought, "weird". She said her first albums were just awful and she would give a refund to everyone who bought her first two albums if she could. With Amanda Leigh, she said she had complete control and freedom over her work. And that the music is a reflection of her, not somebody else's choice. After I found this out, I loved the cd. Loved it. I was 19 at the time, and as I've shared before, I was struggling to figure out who I was. But having proof in my hands that a girl broke away from what she was being told to do, and did her own thing, gave me hope. I love that she titled her album Amanda Leigh. She was finally able to find herself, and do what she wanted to do, admitting that her past work wasn't a reflection of her at all. This album made the least amount of money out of her 6 albums. But I think she knew that going into it, and she didn't care. She inspired me.

11. Taylor Swift- "Last Kiss". Back in 2010, before I realized there was more to life than a boy loving me, I had just bought her Speak Now album and was listening to it in my room. The lyrics hit me. I felt like she got in my head and heart and wrote this song about how I felt, "So I'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes, all that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss. . ." It was a comfort, knowing that she'd felt the same way. I wasn't alone. Somewhere out there, a girl knew how sad I was, because she'd been that sad too. That was the moment my admiration for Taylor began.

12. The Script- "Science and Faith". I started dating a guy at the beginning of last year. On our third date he let me be the DJ while we were in the car. I had never heard this song before and decided to put it on. I fell in love with it, "You can break everything down to chemicals, but you can't explain a love like ours". I remember sitting next to him on that date feeling so safe and comfortable. I won't forget that anxious, excited feeling of wondering if maybe one day we'd have a love like this song described, or better yet, couldn't ;) I'll never forget that feeling of anticipation, of being next to someone who could make me laugh so hard, and wondering what the future held for us. Sometimes good things have to end, but I'll always have this memory, and this song to take me back there.

13. Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova- "Falling Slowly". Last May, my bff Kim invited me on a trip to NYC with her. Her uncle got us tickets to the broadway show 'Once'. We had never heard of it and didn't know what to expect. It. Was. Perfect. We loved it, every second. This song was performed in it. It was the greatest. That night we turned on that song as we got ready for bed. Whenever I hear it now, I think of that amazing week I had with my best friend, chilling in New York City. Best. Week. Ever.

14. Carly Rae Jepson- "Call Me Maybe". Lately my nephew Owen's favorite thing is to listen to this song and dance. He'll say, "I want Call Me Maybe", so I'll turn it on and he'll say, "Dance wiff me!" Then we dance around to this song over and over. He'll mouth the words, which is the cutest thing I've ever seen. I think as long as I live, as old as we get, even when he gets too cool to dance with me, I'll never forget the cute little blond boy asking me to join him on the dance floor.

There is something I learned while writing this; Had I told Ashlee to turn off her loud country music, I would have missed her, unknowingly, teaching me to be who I am, no matter how goofy. Had I refused Dallan when he wanted to show me a song I didn't like the sound of, I would have missed an incredible lesson. Had I took back Mandy Moore's cd because I didn't like it at first, I would have never had the hope she gave me.

People introduce us to, and teach us things we wouldn't find ourselves, but we have to be willing to listen.

There's my soundtrack.

What's yours?

What I have > what I don't

I was driving home a couple weeks ago a bit disappointed. Okay, really disappointed. I had been hoping that something was going to happen that day and it didn't. Not even close. In fact, the opposite of what I wanted happened. So there I was, having a pity party in my car, driving slowly, listening to Taylor, too sad to sing along with her, and it hit me: I am being so pathetic right now. I have so much. How selfish of me to not acknowledge what I have, and dwell on literally the one thing I don't have, that at times I wish I did... I have an incredible family; 4 selfless grandparents, 2 loving parents, siblings, a stellar nephew, aunts, uncles, and cousins. My best friend is amazing. I have a stable job that I really don't mind. I have a nice home where I always feel safe, not to mention warm and cozy. I have more food in my pantry and fridge than I know what to do with. I have a closet packed full of cute clothes and shoes. I have a never ending supply of clean water, all I have to do is turn the faucet. I have the internet that can inform me about anything I want to know. I have a body that functions just how I want it to. Not to mention I live in a place where I can be who I want to be, isn't this one thing alone enough to bring me joy?

I had compared my life to people I felt have more than I did, and that made me jealous, which is the worst feeling in the world. When I'm jealous, I get mad at myself for being jealous because I should just be happy for other people. Then I end up jealous and mad at myself. Ugh.

Then I compared my life to people I felt have less than me. And I felt so incredibly selfish and almost sick with myself that I could even complain about not having something that is so miniscule in the scheme of things. Then I felt bad for feeling bad for myself. But I realized, sometimes it's okay to feel bad for a moment. Just because my hurt is much, much, much less than someone else's, doesn't mean it's not pain.

I got caught up on dwelling on this one thing that wanted that I have little control over getting. So why was I fretting so much about it? Because I looked at other people who have it and they seem so happy with it, and I wanted that happiness too. But here's the thing: Right now I am happy without that thing. It was comparing myself to others that convinced me I needed that thing to be happy. Yes, it's something I would like eventually, but I want it when the time is right for me. Life has a way of giving us things when it's best for us, not when we want it. If you're waiting for something to make you 'happy', stop. It will happen when it happens. Don't sit around and wait to be happy. Do what you love. That thing will occur when it will. And when it does, you'll look back and say to yourself, 'Oooooh, that's why it didn't happen then.'

Letting go.

The past couple months have been very. . . interesting? Challenging? Thought provoking? All of the above? Yes. Basically, I've learned and grown a lot. An event this week triggered a lot in my brain and heart. I've kept a lot bottled up in those two things, so I'm setting them free today and sharing a lot of personal struggles, and how I overcame them. Here it goes. . .

My brother Bryson is a sophomore this year and made the basketball team! I'm so proud of him for trying out for it and working so hard. The time and schedule is demanding and he has stuck with it. I admire him. I went to his first game, which was a home game. It was a strange feeling walking into the high school I spent 3 years attending. Soooo many memories are connected to that place. I turned to my dad and said, "This is so weird being here."

Walking through those halls and sitting in that gym made me think about who I was in high school. One thing is for sure: I'm much, much different now.

I remember I'd plan my outfit the night before. Depending on who I'd see that day, determined how much effort I put into my outfit, hair, and make up. I didn't eat breakfast because my stomach was flatter if I didn't eat. Then I'd have something small for lunch, and pig out when I got home. I always made sure to have gum with me, because, what if the cute boy who sits in front of me asks me for some? (I'm serious, this is how my brain worked, sadly.) I spend more time thinking about what was on my body than what was in my head. This, my friends, was a tiring way to live.

I didn't speak up. There were so many instances I can recall even now, wishing I would have said something. I was too afraid of hurting someone's feelings, even when they wanted the honest truth. There were many people I'd talk to in class, but outside of class I wouldn't, because I felt inferior to them. Why would they want to be my friend outside of class? They're so pretty, funny, and smart. They just want someone in class to talk to, and it just so happens that I sit next to them. I spent more time contemplating what other people thought of me, than what I thought of my own self.

The majority of the time, I was afraid to stand up for myself. I was afraid to tell people no; the kid who would always cheat off my paper, my friend who cheated on her boyfriend, the guy who kissed me when I didn't want to be kissed. I was okay not being okay with myself, as long as people liked me. But it wasn't me they liked. It was who I was pretending to be.

I wished I would have tried out for dance company. I took dance classes in middle school and my sophomore year and really loved it. But I found excuses as to why I shouldn't try out; the time and practice would be too demanding, I've had no professional dance training, and I was going to be a junior, and they're looking for younger girls to keep on the company for all 3 years. I didn't think I would make it, so I didn't even try.

Life after high school has been such a ride. About 6 months after graduation I got into a terrible relationship. . . And stayed in it for over a year. I allowed my insecurity to put me and keep me in a place I couldn't grow or even fully live. I clung to him like a leech. I remember on my 19th birthday my sister called and asked if I wanted to go to Letherby's to celebrate. I told her no, because I was with him, but there was no reason as to why we all couldn't have gone. . . She was so sweet to try and make my birthday special, and I took no thought of her, I just said no. Of course I couldn't see it then, but I see it now so clearly. And when that relationship ended, I didn't miss him. I missed having someone. That's not love. That's the opposite. I used him to feel good about myself. When we broke up I didn't know what to do because my life had been him. There was no 'me' it was always 'us'.

So my journey to find myself began. I remember the night we broke up plain as day, even almost 3 years later. I think I remember it so well because I had been so betrayed by him that even my insecure heart knew I deserved better. At that moment it hit me: I was going to be alone. No more using him to feel validated. No more date nights. No more relying on his 'love' to feel good about myself. It was just me now. I had to take the broken pieces of myself, find lost ones, and put myself together. I had to become who I wanted to be. I had to try, like I had never done before.

I had been living with a roommate at the time, but was moving back home. I was planning on moving back home, what turned out to be, the day after we broke up. Timing is a curious thing. The moment when I needed my family the most, I was able to move back home and be surrounded by them. I needed a fresh start. And leaving the place where I had so many memories of him, was exactly what I needed. After I had moved my stuff into my parent's house and put everything in my room in its place, I sat on my bed and looked around, then starred at myself in my mirror. Everything had a place. I knew where everything in that room needed to be, except for myself. The next morning I started putting myself together, not knowing where to start, I decided to paint that mirror's frame. I had never really painted home decor before, so I thought I could discover something or build my confidence that way. The colors I picked were yellow, green, and purple:

I can see how some people might think this color combo isn't the cutest, but I've found that when I see things I like, I find myself often saying, "That's so ugly, but it's so cute!" So I like ugly things, I've accepted that :)

A while later, I wrote out quotes in different colors and put them all over my bedroom walls. I have them as reminders to help me to remember who I want to be. One night I put this one on my mirror:

Turns out, the colors I had chosen for it, matched my mirror perfectly. Little things like this might seem silly, but to me at that time, it seemed like a reminder from life that I was on my way.

I've learned it's the small things I do that empower me to be who I want. I don't need to become a famous singer, or complete an iron man to feel successful. I find success and accomplishment in the simplest things now; I run and lap swim for me. I exercise to feel good in my skin and to challenge my mind, not just to look good so people will think well of me. I bake for me (although by family does reap the benefits of that). I do it because I enjoy it. It's a challenge to take a recipe and see if I can perfect it. I read for me, to learn and strengthen my mind. I dress for me, to feel pretty, not for attention. I write for me, but hopefully you out there may benefit in some small way from lessons I've learned. I listen to T swift for me, not because it's the popular thing to do, but because her music lifts my spirits. I eat breakfast now, because I don't care how flat my stomach is. I feel good in my skin, and that's what matters. I don't buy gum. If a cute boy asks for some, I'll have to tell him no, and I'm certainly okay with that now.

I've built myself into someone I love, someone I'm proud of, someone I am happy to be. But I still struggle. I tend to struggle most while being in a relationship. I don't know how to not lose myself to it, like I did with my first boyfriend. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance that. For example, in a more recent relationship, we were at the mall. I saw a dress that I loved. He didn't let me try on a dress because he didn't like it (again, the dress was one of my "It's so ugly, but it's so cute" things). After we broke up, I went and bought it. I get complimented often when I wear it. I realized it wasn't him who didn't let me try on the dress. It was me who didn't, because I didn't speak up. You may be thinking, 'it's just a dress girl, relax', but I've learned that if I don't speak up about the little, seemingly trivial things, I definitley don't speak up about the big things. Or if I do, it's too late.

As I finally got to a place within myself where I was truly happy, I found the past would still creep into my mind. I would allow it to bring me down. So I had to face it. I had to do things I had avoided because of the uncomfortable feeling I'd get, or the sad memories they would trigger. Until that point, I had avoided listening to songs that reminded me of former boyfriends or times in my life where I didn't like who I was. I wouldn't drive down certain roads or go to certain places because they used to lead me to those boys and other unpleasant memories. So I went running and I made a playlist with every song that would make me sad for the past. I ran through the playlist, with people's faces in my mind, and regret in my heart. When it was over, I felt so strong. I had faced it and I had conquered it. Now when those songs come on, I don't rush to skip them. I listen to them all the way through, and it makes me happy. I drove down all the roads I used to avoid, and guess what? I survived. I went to various places where my sad feelings of the past would come alive, and I stood there, thought about that memory, absorbed it, and let it go.

I had to make amends. I had to do some apologizing to people I had hurt. I had to forgive those who had wronged me or took advantage of my heart. Then I had to forgive myself; for not speaking up, for not trying, and for allowing insecurity to rule my life for so long.

I can't change who I was, what I did, or more importantly, didn't do. Wishing I would have lived differently gets me no where. Unless, I use that wishing to fuel me to do things now, so I'm not sitting here in 5 years blogging about things I wish I would have done, said, or tried, yet again.

What I would call my biggest mistake, that first boyfriend of mine, in the end, gave me the start of the journey in finding my voice. So is that mistake a regret? Not now, because I let it fuel me to be better. I am not the mistakes I have made. I am what I allow those mistakes to make me. I could let them break me, and control me, or I can use them to fuel me in becoming who I want to be.

I will never get the time back I spent trying to please everyone, instead of myself. I will never be as close to the one real friend I had in high school, the one I actually was myself in front of, no matter how much I miss him. I will never be on dance company. That boy I gave gum to will never ask me out, and I'll never get back all the gum I gave him ;) and I will never get to go to Letherby's on my 19th birthday with my sweet older sister.

I've mourned for the past, that is necessary, but I don't let it dictate who I am anymore. I am free of it. I let it go. I let go of who I might have been. I let go of those I wasted my time on. But, I've realized time is never wasted if I learned something from it. I've let go of who I could have been and focus on who I want to become now, in the next five minutes, next five days, and the next five years.

I've never been happier with who I am than I am right now in this moment. The night I broke up with my first boyfriend I was so afraid of being alone, because I was insecure and didn't love myself. Now, I love being alone. I like going places by myself and being alone with my thoughts. If I don't have that time to myself, I feel like I'm a mess. What a contrast huh? I allowed fear to rule my life for so long. But now I let love rule it, by loving my whole self.

Let the past drive you to live as you've always wanted to. Don't allow it to hold you back.

Let it go.

Try something new.

Find your voice.


Thanks for reading this novel <3

Feels like Christmas :)

Some Christmas favs of mine:

Lights! I love coming home at night and seeing the tree glowing through our window. Ah :) I love Christmas.

My oldschool phone does not take good pictures, but you get the spirit of it, right? ;)

Our business insurance guy gives us a whole box of these beauts every year! I sure count on him to make the holidays just right :)

Don't have this Christmas album? Get it. Buy it now. I keep it on repeat all season long. It's hands down my favorite Christmas music. Christmas isn't the same without it. I love me some Josh :)

 Every year my dad get these d.e.l.i.c.i.o.u.s. donuts.

Ever had them? There is nothing like them. They are cinnamon perfection.

With my my mom's side of the fam, we make our table favors for Christmas Eve dinner. This year we painted little bobble head ceramics. They were a challenge, but were so fun:

My mom's and dad's cute Mrs Claus and Santa.

My little reindeer. I won't lie, I'm pretty proud of how it turned out :)

These are my brothers. They are quite unique don't you think?

And the cute Briggs family's.

Hope the holidays are treating you well :)

How are you going to top that?

I saw an interview with JK Rowling a long time ago. Something she said has stuck with me. She said people would ask her how she was going to top Harry Potter. Her reaction was simply, "I'm not." And she was content with that. That got me thinking. . .

Could she even top Harry Potter if she wanted to? No.
7 books.
8 movies.
A theme park.
Billions of dollars.
No big deal, right?

In that same interview she spoke of Michael Jackson and how he chased the fame he received from Thriller. He didn't understand or enjoy the immense success that Thriller was and still is. He wanted to top it. So he chased the dream of topping his number one selling album of all time, until the end.

Who knows what he could have created or accomplished if he wasn't set on beating Thriller. Who knows what Rowling won't miss out on because she doesn't have the mindset of topping her own creation, one of the biggest franchises of all time.

Here's what I'm getting at: Don't try to recreate the best moments or successes of your life.
For some people, it's high school days. Being the star athlete or star of their club.
Maybe it's a relationship or marriage that you are now without.
Or the first year of your marriage when life was simpler.
Perhaps it was a great job you lost or had to move on from.
Maybe it's a friendship you no longer have.
Or a place you lived and loved that you had to leave.

If we spend time trying to force the past to be the present, we lose all of the life we could be living now, and quite possibly, the next 'untoppable' thing.

If we enjoy things while have them, we'll have the reassurance that we squeezed every ounce of joy out of them that we could have. Then we won't be consumed with the memory of them when they're gone.

Don't keep searching for those days or those moments. You'll miss all the ones now and yet to come.

Thanks for reading :)

A Little Thing Called Love.

"In this world, there is so much of what looks like love, and sounds like love, and calls itself love, but it isn't."

These words have been floating around in my head this week. When I find a quote I like, I tend to explore it in my mind for a while. It helps me to kind of review my experiences, and think of how to improve my future now. This one got me thinking about all the instances I've heard the words, "I love you", whether they were directed at me or someone else.

I had a boyfriend who didn't like me hanging out with my friends (I know, it's crazy to think that I put up with that, but sadly, I did. Thank goodness those young, naive days are behind me.). I thought, "How cute, he just wants me all to himself. He wants to spend all his time with me." That control he wanted, in my 19 year old heart, felt like love.

I had a friend who would get jealous when I spent time with other friends of mine. You could argue that we were such close friends that she wished I was hanging out with her instead. It was insecurity within herself that was disguised as love.

When I lived with my roommate, we had a neighbor. This woman would come over and constantly compliment us throughout our conversations, saying we were so skinny, so pretty, so lucky to be young. As time went on, she continued to be overly complimentary towards us, but she started asking for things; money for her daughter's school fund raiser, money for her "real gold" necklace she wanted to sell to us, money for her rent, money, money, and more money. We could have seen her compliments as love and kindness, and for a short time we did. But as time went on, we realized her manipulation was what sounded like love.

One of my good friends in high school always had to have a girlfriend. If he was thinking about breaking up with one, he wouldn't do it until he had another lined up. He didn't really care who the girl was, just as long as he wasn't alone. He told all his girlfriends that he loved them. His relationships were called love by himself and others, but they weren't love. It was the idea of love that my friend loved.

I had a boyfriend who said he loved me. I believe he did to some degree. But not for the right reasons. At times I felt like he didn't even know me, or he did, but didn't care about my opinion. Ultimately, I feel he liked what I represented. I was all that he wanted in a girlfriend. But it wasn't me that he wanted. He wanted me to play the role that he'd set up in his head for his girlfriend to play. I could have played that role very well, but at what cost? That relationship looked like love from an outside perspective, and even from my inside perspective a lot of the time, but it wasn't.

I guess what I'm getting at is the 'why' behind someone's actions or words. Or their reason for saying 'I love you'.  My first boyfriend wanted to control me. My sweet friend felt insecure and wanted me to only be her friend. My neighbor wanted money and favors. My good friend in high school wanted love, even if he had to force it. And my second boyfriend I mentioned, wanted me because I seemed to fit into his life's puzzle, what seemed to be perfectly. None of these situations were real love. In some of them there were aspects of real love, but as a whole, they weren't. The next time someone says, "I love you" or shows you kindness, as yourself or even them, "Why?".

There are a lot of situations to describe what love isn't, that's not hard to find. But finding what love really is, that's the challenge. I'm fortunate enough to have some. Love is the sound of my nephew saying to me with a huge smile across his face, "You're back!", after I went to the restroom. You would have thought, with the way he said it, that I'd been gone for days. Love is my little brother getting out of bed in the wee hours of the morning to make sure I'm okay, after I accidentally caused a loud noise that woke him up. Love is the feeling I have after long, late night phone conversations full of laughter with my big sister. Love is the sight of my dad holding my mom just after she crossed the finish line of her marathon. Love is spending all day talking with my older brother and feeling like only minutes had passed. Love is never needing to hear the words "I love you" and knowing that they do. <3