Lighter.

 I've debated about this post; if, when, or how I should do it.
If I should put this part of my heart out here, or keep it sheltered...
if I should wait until I have all the answers or just write the journey so far...
if I should keep it technical and factual, or share how it's truly impacted me.
I realized:
I have to write about it. It has affected me on so many levels. I've been personal before on this little blog, why stop now?
I decided I don't want to wait until I have all the answers. Ultimately, I don't know when that will be. It could be days, or it could be weeks. I don't know where this is going to take me. So as a warning, if you hate cliffhangers, feel free to stop reading now :)
Annnnd I decided to be raw in writing this. I want to be real, free, and direct. So here it goes...

The past two weeks have been the longest of my life, and that's an understatement.

 After months and months of having pain in my knee, I felt a bump under my skin, just behind it.
I went last month on the 24th, to get it checked out.
Looking at the x-rays with the doctor, he showed me the mass along my femur bone. I could tell he was a bit uncomfortable, and felt his next words wouldn't be what I wanted to hear.
He stumbled while explaining,
"It's a tumor",
and gently cautioned me not to jump to conclusions.
And I didn't.... for about thirty seconds.
Okay, Karinne, be logical about this. You have a tumor. 
A tumor...
Tumors mean cancer.
Cancer means.....
& the tears of unsurety fell down my cheeks.

That afternoon brought bone scans,
and a call back for more bone scans, which did not give me much reassurance. 
 The next morning brought an MRI.
Then the only thing left to do was wait.
Those were easily the longest six days of my life...

Everything changed.

My mind was a different place.
Crowds made me anxious. Aside from my immediate family, being around more than one other person put me on edge.
Conversation drained me. I tried so hard to have my smiles genuine, but they were forced and fake.
4 hours at work wore me out.
I cried a lot. Even watching Mulan made me tear up, thanks Emperor for helping Mulan see her worth...
If I didn't have a nap, I was exhausted by 8:00pm.
I was impatient. When people complained about the weather or being tired, all I want to do was yell, "YOU AREN'T WAITING TO FIND OUT IF YOU HAVE CANCER! PUT ON A COAT AND TAKE A NAP!" and then I'd feel terrible for thinking like that.

Yet other parts of me were more patient than they'd ever been. I'd never been such a calm driver, because I didn't know if the slow car in front of me was on their way home from the hospital, waiting to hear life-changing news. Why pester them to go a little faster?
I couldn't focus on anything.

In my bedroom, watching Pocahontas, and coloring in my princess coloring book became my favorite place to be. Side note, if you know where I can acquire a Pocahontas coloring book, made of white, smooth paper, with her hair not colored in with black already, you'd be my best friend.

My appointment with a doctor to review my bone scans and MRI was on the 30th.
Let me tell you something about waiting rooms...
they're not my friend.
They're the only place I've wanted to stay in, but leave so badly.
Staying meant not having to confront potentially the worst news of my life.
But, hearing my name being called, and leaving that uncomfortable chair, meant being able to move on with this thing and become one step closer to the end of this chapter, regardless of the turns it took.
In that room, I didn't want to do either.

Fortunately, that appointment brought news we were hoping for.
Dr. Scott, the nicest man with a bolo tie, believes my tumor is an aneurysmal bone cyst.
This means, the tumor grew from inside my bone, eating away a good two inches of it, and has been ballooning out the back of it.
Icky, right?
Of course, there is a slight chance it is cancer.
Dr. Scott is extremely confident it's not, but in order to proceed with treatment, I had to have a biopsy.
That took place on the 3rd of this month.
I was hoping the get the results on Thursday, but they didn't come.
Soooo, cross your fingers for this Tuesday.

Walking into my house, returning from the hospital that day was the best feeling.
As soon as I entered, my dad wrapped me in the biggest hug.
His smile was beaming as he said with his loud voice,
"My daughter doesn't have cancer!"
And I just wanted to cry so many happy, relieved tears.
I had never felt so much love as I did in that moment,
being surrounded by my family, celebrating the best of the hard news.

Since that news, the weight has been lighter, but weight is definitely still there.
The tumor could still be cancerous, even if it's not, I'll have surgery and bone grafts,
That's not the most pleasant thing to think about.
Now actually knowing what is in my leg freaks me out.
I hate thinking about it.
It makes me want to just cut it out myself. Clearly my patience is still lacking a bit...
Being around lots of people still makes me anxious.
I like being home, it's where I feel safe and calm.
Conversation isn't as draining as it was a week ago, but still not back to pre-tumor diagnosis.
I still cry a lot, but I can control it more.
I'm typically still tired by 8:00pm.
Annnd I still love Pocahontas.

If we're close, and this is the first you're hearing about this, please don't feel hurt. It's not because I don't hold you dear, but because I find no joy in calling people up to tell them I have a tumor. In fact, telling people has been the most difficult part about this.
Knowing I could possibly have cancer has been tough, but watching those I love, know that I could possibly have cancer, is an entirely different, tougher experience.

Watching their eyes when I finish informing them is the most difficult. For instance...

When I told my boyfriend the news, and his eyes filled with concern, and he pulled me close and held me so tight. Then stared at the x-rays trying to dissect them like the medical student he is.

When I told my friends at church, so they would be aware that I'd be slacking in my calling, and they looked at me, with eagerness, wanting to know answers and what they can do to help.

When I had a hard time even looking at my dad, because his eyes were the saddest of all. And all I wanted to do was fix it, because I didn't want him to hurt for a second.

When my sister fled the room after I entered because she didn't want me to see her cry. So I chased her and told her it was okay, because those tears were made of love.

When my mom's eyes were coated with strength, and when I looked at her, I knew I could make it through, even when I broke down and cried those uncontrollable tears.

When I saw a friend I hadn't talked to in a while, and she shared her exact same experience with me. And the words "I'm so sorry, Karinne" had never been more sincere. All I could do was cry, because I hated the fact that she'd felt the way I had, but I was so glad she could truly understand.

On the 24th, hearing the words, "it's a tumor". I didn't know why it was happening, all I knew was that it was. I didn't feel like God had let me down or that He forgot about me. After the shock, and letting things sink in, I realized He wants me to grow even more. He wants me to learn, to experience, and to develop empathy. I don't have a tumor to keep me down, but to keep me going; to push me to what I think are my limits. Even when the tears won't stop, the sleep won't come, and the anxiety hits a whole new level, I know it is for my good. He hasn't let me down so far, I don't see why that would change now.

I wasn't tempted to ask myself why. Why me? Why now?
Why not me? I'm just as human as anyone else. Why would I be exempt from physical illness?
At first I thought now was a terrible time- January was going so well!
4 classes,
full-time work,
weight training,
a new man in my life,
and friends & family time kept my days good and full.
Balancing everything was tough, but I felt like I was getting my rhythm & figuring this semester out.
I was feeling so motivated & accomplished.
Then bam, a serious curve ball.

It took a sweet visit from my aunt Julie, to help me see that now, was a great time for something like this to happen. Her visit hit my core. She reminded me of what I had forgotten. She talked about how she's followed my blog,"Look back at yourself a year ago. You have grown so much. You've shared how much you've learned and how well you've been taking care of your body. If something like this was going to happen to you, now is a good time for it. You're so strong, Karinne."

She was right.
I am the strongest I've ever been. I have a firm grasp on who I am, and why I do what I do. Now is the best time for me to feel all these diverse emotions, I understand them more now than I ever could have a year ago.

This semester was a good one for me to be down for a bit, but I didn't see it at first.
I finally had the motivation to finish my degree... now this stinkin' tumor is trying to mess it all up...
Fortunately, I only needed to drop one class.
My mom and I are taking an online class together, and she has gone above and beyond to help me study biology with my distracted mind.
She also is a genius and has spent sooo much time helping me get through math. She even offered to drop her classes, to help me finish mine... and I'll just cry as I write that.
Because of the grace of my mother, I'll be able to finish my classes and still graduate in December. 

Work is more than flexible and that's an understatement.
The perks of a family business :)
Every single one of my family members has offered to take my shifts.
I can only handle so much, and they pick up my slack.
I am so incredibly grateful to work with and for them.
Had I been working somewhere else, I don't know if I could have handled it.
My calm, put-together mental state has only been good for three hours, four at the most.
They have all been dreams. I cannot explain my gratitude for their willingness to take care of me.
Words could never do my feelings justice. I am so thankful for all they've done to hold me up, when I couldn't do it myself. That, my friends, will be a post for another day.

I was worried about my new relationship with the sweetest of men.
Situations like these aren't exactly ideal for a new relationship,
it's a lot all at once.
But honestly, it's only brought us closer and strengthened us as a whole.

As for my weight training.. clearly it's being put on hold.
And honestly, I am upset about it.
I've worked sooo hard to make my body stronger.
I was finally seeing the good results I wanted.
I felt like all that hard work was a waste.
But, the man in my life reminded me of something, without skipping a beat,
"This is a reason people work out, so when things like this happen, their bodies can recover faster than if they hadn't been exercising."
& that is truth.
I am grateful I have made my body strong. I'll just be a little jealous when you say you went to the gym.. nbd ;)

  When we think we've surpassed our limits, I believe our maker surrounds us with those who can keep us together, to remind us of the strength we have within ourselves.

I've honestly never felt so fragile in my life.

 But all of you have kept me together.

Know this scripture verse?

"...bear one another's burdens, that they may be light."

I thought I understood it, I really did.

Turns out, I really didn't.
Now I do.

 I've never had an experience like this before in my life. Ever.

As my mom likes to put it, "The most you've had is a hangnail."

I like to say the worst I've had is a bee sting.. but you get my point.

Friends and family weren't slow to respond.

I am so grateful for all the thoughts, cards, gifts, visits, treats, flowers, texts, calls, and prayers my family and I have received through all of this.

Every single time one of you reaches out to me, you lift my spirits and make my burden lighter.

I know I am not alone in this.

I have so many souls to rely on, it brings tears to my eyes to know how cared about I truly am.

You've all touched my heart & changed it.

I know this road won't be easy,

but all of you have made it lighter.
I keep all the cards and letters I've received taped on my bedroom wall, to remind me of all the goodness I'm surrounded by, all the love I have been given, and all the strength I have around and inside me.

I know I'll make it through, because of you.

I'll keep you posted ;)