Your definition.

I ran into someone who used to be very close to me. Someone I love very much. I realized, although our relationship isn't close like it used to be, she is still & always will be, near to my heart. This gal had a lot of struggles. More than what I would ever think is fair. Years ago, we cried about these struggles together. She cried out of exhaustion, shock, immeasurable disappointment, and a bit of unnecessary guilt. I cried for her; that she had to endure this, that these unthinkable and devastating circumstances were part of her life now.

When we saw each a few weeks ago, we hugged and chatted for a few minutes, then parted ways. The second I said, "See you later" and turned away, my heart hurt; I couldn't focus & felt that scratchy tears-are-coming feeling in my throat. I wanted so badly to turn back and ask her,

Do you know how loved you are?

Do you know how much you deserve?

Do you know how strong you are?

Fight through this, you will make it! 

 

But I had seen it in her eyes; she had given up.

The reality is, these burdens and struggles became too much for this sweet gal. She tried to face them. She tried, so hard, to overcome them. But eventually, she gave up and gave in. It was easier to let those things define her. She became her circumstances.

We all have struggles. No one is exempt.

It's so easy & understandable to be consumed by those pains.

Mourning is necessary. Tears are needed. Feeling the hurt is important.

I've cried, screamed, & shook my head at the man above over my struggles.

These happenings can be so unbearably painful, that we see nothing else.
We become numb to protect ourselves from the hurt,
until we live nothing more than a hazy existence.

I don't blame my friend for making the choices she did. She has it hard. I want so much for her to find her old self, and never let her go. I hope with every ounce of hope I can make, that one day she will.

No matter what struggles you endure...

You are not what has happened to you.

You are not your past.

You are not your circumstances.

You are not your weaknesses.

Don't let your pain rule you.

Don't let it stop you.

Don't let it consume you.

Don't let it rob you of today.

You control your story.

You can change. You can forgive. 

You can let it go. You can rise above. 

You can overcome. You can triumph. 

You can conquer.

Take that pain and fuel it into your being to become stronger than you have ever been before.

Don't give up. Don't give in.

Stay strong.

& remember, you are loved.

A Little Dreaming.

Know what I wish?

I wish I never had to hear the sound of an alarm clock ringing again. That dang noise. I don't like its meaning. Every morning it's a reminder that I, Karinne of Utah, must get out of the comfiest, warmest bed earlier than I want to. Why must that thing ring... I wish I didn't have to rely on an irritating noise to wake me from my sweetest dreams. Lately I've been having a bunch of them. They aren't always sweet, but when they are, I sure don't want to leave them as soon as I do...

Sometimes I dream about love. You know, the cheesy, romanticy, butterflies-in-your-stomach kind. The kind that people hope for & search for their whole lives. That kind. & it's quite pleasant. I dreamed about the sweetest guy last night. Know in dreams how you don't have to see or hear anything to know what's happening? This was one of those cases.

In the dream, all I could see was myself and a man holding hands. It's what I couldn't see in the dream that I remember most. He didn't take any regard for how I looked. It was as if he were looking past the
physical and into my soul & wanted nothing more than to care for it, to comfort it, to protect it, and to help it grow.

He loved me, for me.

Perhaps that's what love is.

Perhaps one day we'll find it.

Sweet dreams.

Goodnight.

It's (kind of) That Time of Year

Good evenin' :)

If you haven't noticed, it's Halloween time...
I am not a fan.
in
the
slightest.

So I'm skipping on over to the designated 'thankful' time of year; enough with the scary, bring on the gladness!

But mostly -honestly- my heart has been really full lately, like it's going to burst from so much goodness.

So, here is a glimpse of the grateful part of my heart lately:

1. I'm grateful for my body. For the longest time my goal had been to be thin, to be skinny. With that mindset, I didn't always do what was best for my body. I mistreated it. A few months ago, I decided I didn't want that anymore. I was fed up with not feeling good enough. My body is a gift. It functions just as it was designed to. How ungrateful I had been to not be happy with it because I couldn't squeeze into a size 1 pant... So this past month and a half, my attitude & perspective has really changed; I don't want to feel tired & sick from trying to be thin. I want to be strong. I want to be able to use my body the way it was intended. I want to be fit. So I got a personal trainer and just finished my last session with her. She taught me so much about strength training- I am so grateful to her (thanks Nicole! :)). Although it's only been a month and a half, I can see changes. Not a ton physically yet, but mentally. It's amazing how much challenging my body in that way can rid me of stress and boost my confidence. I've never felt so strong & at peace with who I am.

2. I'm thankful for all the times my heart was broken. I've mentioned before, my best friend was reunited with her love after 2 years. I went on a double date with them last week. It was my first time meeting him & seeing them together. It made me so happy. I can't explain what they have... it's real, period. That's it. Being on that date with them made me grateful for one thing; that I hadn't settled. In the past, I've had opportunities to marry, but my heart wouldn't let me. It knew there was more. There was something missing in those relationships, something I couldn't really explain, but my heart knew. One day, I'll find that missing piece with someone new. Until then, I'm so grateful for all the tears I've cried, the sleepless nights, the disagreements, & the brokenness. Those 4 things have given me more than a marriage with any of those men ever could have. They taught me to trust myself & to trust God. They taught me how strong I am. They helped me realize what I deserve. I will forever be grateful for that.

3. I'm grateful for this gal.

Birdy is a dream.
I really want to tell you all about her, but I don't think I would do her justice.
You have to hear her for yourself.

She's natural, raw, & pure.
She doesn't try too hard. It's almost like she doesn't try at all;
her talent seems so effortless.
I feel like before she performs she's thinking, 'Hi, I'm Birdy, I'm just here to play a song for you guys.'
& that's all she wants.

She's a breath of fresh air.

This song has been on repeat for... ever. I can't stop myself, nor do I care to.

          
Faith in humanity restored.
Thanks Birdy.

4. I'm grateful for my travels. I've been able to see so much of the world. It never ceases to amaze me, this planet we live on. Travel awakes my soul. It has shaped who I am- it's made me better, fuller.

Experiencing new places fills me with... something. I don't know the word. Maybe there isn't one for what I'd like to convey... how do I explain... When someone mentions North Carolina, I remember laughing with Ashlee in a photobooth and poor little Owen crying in all the pictures. When someone mentions St. George, I think of my dad & the time he offered to drive Hollie and I down there for a concert of a band we liked. When someone mentions Montana, I think of Dallan and me laughing so hard in our tent after the hardest, longest hike of our lives. When I hear the words 'Grand Canyon', I think of our Aerostar van, no a/c, burning summer, & the stories we now tell of that lovely, sweaty drive ;) When I hear 'China Town', I think of high school choir tour, Maren, Kristen, and I, & our matching bras & Hannah Montana shirts- we were cool ;) When someone mentions Bryce Canyon, I think of Kim, pouring rain, & laughing at how cold and wet we were.

San Fransisco

St. George

Illinois

Glacier

Great America

Moab/Arches

Big Cottonwood Canyon

Zions

 Bryce Canyon

Disneyland

Cedar City

Idaho

Park City

North Carolina

Six Flags

Yellowstone

Arizona

Texas

Zion Ponderosa

Brooklyn

American Fork Canyon

Sea World

Grand Canyon

Kannaraville Falls

Las Vegas

San Diego

Provo Canyon

Lake Tahoe

Nauvoo
NYC
Sacramento
&
Myrtle Beach
 all hold pieces of me; they are part of my story.
They taught me something; they gave me something.
They are all part of my heart forever.

I'm fortunate to have been able to experience all that I have. I'm so grateful to all the people who have made my travels possible. Whether it's been across the country, or a place an hour away from my home, I am thankful for you who have helped me get there; my parents, siblings, friends, friends of friends, and various organizations. You are part of my heart forever.
 

Thank you <3

5. I'm thankful for these people (my roomies ;))

Where do I begin?

This year has been a roller coaster.. but I've come to find, that is life. It forever has been, and always will be a roller coaster. These 3 souls have been there for me at every point on my bumpy ride. I've cried on many occasions to them out of frustration, sadness, and confusion. & as hard as the world tries, at times, to keep me down, they keep building me up.

A few months ago, Mom & I shared a lovely brownie and had a nice little (okay, a big) cry together. It had just been one of those days (okay, maybe weeks... okay, maybe parts of life are just rough for long periods of time) for us both. It was one of those times each of us had to cry for all the unfairness in the world... (I know, that's a whole lot of tears). My mom and I haven't always had the closest relationship, but after that talk I think we understood each other much more clearly than we ever have before.

Remedy for a tired heart:
A good brownie,
lots of tears,
& Mom.

Dad & I have always been close. A while ago, I was going to do something I knew he wouldn't be too fond of. So I tried to keep it from him... of course it came out, (it always does, even at age 23). We talked for a while about it. I'm sure he was frustrated, maybe even baffled; because looking back, I am a bit baffled about my logic as well (live & learn, right?). While we were talking he looked at me and said, "You knew what I'd think about this, that's why you didn't tell me.." Then he chuckled; I'm pretty sure he was thinking, 'you little turkey' ;) then he said, "I am your conscience, Karinne." That really hit me. I've thought about those words a lot since; I am your conscience. If I had always looked at myself the way my dad sees me, I would have made much, much better decisions.

He will always think I'm worth more than anyone could measure.
He will always want the absolute best for me.
He will always think I deserve the best.

The other night Brys and I were talking. He said, "Man, Karinne, I can't wait for you to get married." & I'm thinking ''how sweet, he's dying to have the whole basement to himself'.' I laughed and asked him why. He said with a smile, "'Cause your husband is going to be so awesome! You're so awesome, imagine how cool he's going to be."
I almost broke down in tears.
That my friends, is love.

6. I'm grateful for you. For staring at the screen right now, reading my heart laid out in words.

I wish you knew how much...
 each and every comment,
every single e-mail,
every 'like' on my link from facebook,
all the texts,
& conversation that include "I read on your blog..." means to me.
 I wish I could explain it. Those words are always received with the happiest & most grateful of hearts. You'll never know.
Thank you.

How's your heart doing?
What does it appreciate most?
<3

How Do You Use Your Words?

In my psychology class we were discussing how there is only one reason human beings dominate the earth;

language is that reason.

That's it. That's the only reason we have dominion over other creatures.

And that got me thinking...

Words are very powerful things. How am I using mine?

I've been trying very hard to speak only kind words about people. Yes, I slip sometimes. I get frustrated. I get bugged. However, I recognize those instances & try harder from that moment on.

The longer I live, the more I realize how hard life can be. Becoming an adult makes older people, who once sheltered me from the sadness of life, much more open about it. I've learned some heartbreaking things about people I've known and loved for years & years. Even after spending so much time with, knowing, and loving certain people, I never knew their hardest battles. 

I've found, people who really, really struggle, are not quick to share. They often go to great lengths to hide their pain. They often cry behind closed doors. They often feel like their problems are nothing compared to the world's. They are the humble, selfless ones.

Learning about people's battles has often brought me to tears. It has often made me reflect on how I could have been nicer to them; I could have done more, I could have been more, for them.

This has taught me to be kind, always. People struggle enough. They don't need someone speaking unkind things about them, behind their back or to their face; both cause damage.

Be kind.

Don't hesitate about giving a compliment, holding the door open, asking how a person's day went, or giving a hug. Often times when someone has given me a hug or a smile, I didn't realize how much I needed it.

Sometimes, kindness is not an easy thing...

Rude people used to hurt me. I'd cry at work when a customer would yell at me over something so ridiculous. I'd get upset when someone would say something unkind about me, and find it so very easy to shoot a dart back at them. 

Lately, this has changed. It seems once I have things together & I'm so very happy, life throws me a challenge (Bring it on).

People have tried to bring me down lately; call me names, raise their voice, insult me and not own up to it, all in attempts to hurt me, to scare me, and to bring me lower. But guess what?

I'm not scared.

I'm not hurt, because I know those words are not true.

I will not be brought down.

Initially, I was mad.

I could almost feel the steam coming out of my ears & shaking in my bones. 

I wanted to scream back so loudly, so many hurtful things. 

I wanted to pierce their heart just like they had done mine.

But I didn't stoop to their level.

I bit my tongue so hard, I thought it would bleed.

Know why? Because..

(Eric is so right on this one.)

People who are strong do not bring others down;

Strong people don't ever make others feel weak.

Rude people need hugs.
They don't need a retaliation of rudeness thrown back at them. 

They need more sunshine in their lives; they're lost, insecure, & scared. 

To protect their vulnerable hearts, they try to make others scared too. That way, they don't feel inferior simply by a confident presence.

So bite that tongue. I promise as soon as insulting words leave your lips, you'll wish you could reel them back in. As hard as it can be to hold in what you're wanting to say, hold it. With time, you'll be grateful you did.

The facts are; 

I am a strong woman.

I am confident in myself and things I do. 

I love the way I live.

I love who I am and who I am becoming.

This is not boasting.

Loving yourself and what you do should be a part of everyone's mindset & heart.

If it's not, then what are we doing?

Love yourself, and it's easier to love others. Even those who are difficult to love.

Be strong, be kind.

You never know who you are inspiring.

Your kindness will impact the name callers.

Maybe not today, or even a year from now, but it will.

Remember, you are a champion.