Letting go.

The past couple months have been very. . . interesting? Challenging? Thought provoking? All of the above? Yes. Basically, I've learned and grown a lot. An event this week triggered a lot in my brain and heart. I've kept a lot bottled up in those two things, so I'm setting them free today and sharing a lot of personal struggles, and how I overcame them. Here it goes. . .

My brother Bryson is a sophomore this year and made the basketball team! I'm so proud of him for trying out for it and working so hard. The time and schedule is demanding and he has stuck with it. I admire him. I went to his first game, which was a home game. It was a strange feeling walking into the high school I spent 3 years attending. Soooo many memories are connected to that place. I turned to my dad and said, "This is so weird being here."

Walking through those halls and sitting in that gym made me think about who I was in high school. One thing is for sure: I'm much, much different now.

I remember I'd plan my outfit the night before. Depending on who I'd see that day, determined how much effort I put into my outfit, hair, and make up. I didn't eat breakfast because my stomach was flatter if I didn't eat. Then I'd have something small for lunch, and pig out when I got home. I always made sure to have gum with me, because, what if the cute boy who sits in front of me asks me for some? (I'm serious, this is how my brain worked, sadly.) I spend more time thinking about what was on my body than what was in my head. This, my friends, was a tiring way to live.

I didn't speak up. There were so many instances I can recall even now, wishing I would have said something. I was too afraid of hurting someone's feelings, even when they wanted the honest truth. There were many people I'd talk to in class, but outside of class I wouldn't, because I felt inferior to them. Why would they want to be my friend outside of class? They're so pretty, funny, and smart. They just want someone in class to talk to, and it just so happens that I sit next to them. I spent more time contemplating what other people thought of me, than what I thought of my own self.

The majority of the time, I was afraid to stand up for myself. I was afraid to tell people no; the kid who would always cheat off my paper, my friend who cheated on her boyfriend, the guy who kissed me when I didn't want to be kissed. I was okay not being okay with myself, as long as people liked me. But it wasn't me they liked. It was who I was pretending to be.

I wished I would have tried out for dance company. I took dance classes in middle school and my sophomore year and really loved it. But I found excuses as to why I shouldn't try out; the time and practice would be too demanding, I've had no professional dance training, and I was going to be a junior, and they're looking for younger girls to keep on the company for all 3 years. I didn't think I would make it, so I didn't even try.

Life after high school has been such a ride. About 6 months after graduation I got into a terrible relationship. . . And stayed in it for over a year. I allowed my insecurity to put me and keep me in a place I couldn't grow or even fully live. I clung to him like a leech. I remember on my 19th birthday my sister called and asked if I wanted to go to Letherby's to celebrate. I told her no, because I was with him, but there was no reason as to why we all couldn't have gone. . . She was so sweet to try and make my birthday special, and I took no thought of her, I just said no. Of course I couldn't see it then, but I see it now so clearly. And when that relationship ended, I didn't miss him. I missed having someone. That's not love. That's the opposite. I used him to feel good about myself. When we broke up I didn't know what to do because my life had been him. There was no 'me' it was always 'us'.

So my journey to find myself began. I remember the night we broke up plain as day, even almost 3 years later. I think I remember it so well because I had been so betrayed by him that even my insecure heart knew I deserved better. At that moment it hit me: I was going to be alone. No more using him to feel validated. No more date nights. No more relying on his 'love' to feel good about myself. It was just me now. I had to take the broken pieces of myself, find lost ones, and put myself together. I had to become who I wanted to be. I had to try, like I had never done before.

I had been living with a roommate at the time, but was moving back home. I was planning on moving back home, what turned out to be, the day after we broke up. Timing is a curious thing. The moment when I needed my family the most, I was able to move back home and be surrounded by them. I needed a fresh start. And leaving the place where I had so many memories of him, was exactly what I needed. After I had moved my stuff into my parent's house and put everything in my room in its place, I sat on my bed and looked around, then starred at myself in my mirror. Everything had a place. I knew where everything in that room needed to be, except for myself. The next morning I started putting myself together, not knowing where to start, I decided to paint that mirror's frame. I had never really painted home decor before, so I thought I could discover something or build my confidence that way. The colors I picked were yellow, green, and purple:

I can see how some people might think this color combo isn't the cutest, but I've found that when I see things I like, I find myself often saying, "That's so ugly, but it's so cute!" So I like ugly things, I've accepted that :)

A while later, I wrote out quotes in different colors and put them all over my bedroom walls. I have them as reminders to help me to remember who I want to be. One night I put this one on my mirror:

Turns out, the colors I had chosen for it, matched my mirror perfectly. Little things like this might seem silly, but to me at that time, it seemed like a reminder from life that I was on my way.

I've learned it's the small things I do that empower me to be who I want. I don't need to become a famous singer, or complete an iron man to feel successful. I find success and accomplishment in the simplest things now; I run and lap swim for me. I exercise to feel good in my skin and to challenge my mind, not just to look good so people will think well of me. I bake for me (although by family does reap the benefits of that). I do it because I enjoy it. It's a challenge to take a recipe and see if I can perfect it. I read for me, to learn and strengthen my mind. I dress for me, to feel pretty, not for attention. I write for me, but hopefully you out there may benefit in some small way from lessons I've learned. I listen to T swift for me, not because it's the popular thing to do, but because her music lifts my spirits. I eat breakfast now, because I don't care how flat my stomach is. I feel good in my skin, and that's what matters. I don't buy gum. If a cute boy asks for some, I'll have to tell him no, and I'm certainly okay with that now.

I've built myself into someone I love, someone I'm proud of, someone I am happy to be. But I still struggle. I tend to struggle most while being in a relationship. I don't know how to not lose myself to it, like I did with my first boyfriend. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance that. For example, in a more recent relationship, we were at the mall. I saw a dress that I loved. He didn't let me try on a dress because he didn't like it (again, the dress was one of my "It's so ugly, but it's so cute" things). After we broke up, I went and bought it. I get complimented often when I wear it. I realized it wasn't him who didn't let me try on the dress. It was me who didn't, because I didn't speak up. You may be thinking, 'it's just a dress girl, relax', but I've learned that if I don't speak up about the little, seemingly trivial things, I definitley don't speak up about the big things. Or if I do, it's too late.

As I finally got to a place within myself where I was truly happy, I found the past would still creep into my mind. I would allow it to bring me down. So I had to face it. I had to do things I had avoided because of the uncomfortable feeling I'd get, or the sad memories they would trigger. Until that point, I had avoided listening to songs that reminded me of former boyfriends or times in my life where I didn't like who I was. I wouldn't drive down certain roads or go to certain places because they used to lead me to those boys and other unpleasant memories. So I went running and I made a playlist with every song that would make me sad for the past. I ran through the playlist, with people's faces in my mind, and regret in my heart. When it was over, I felt so strong. I had faced it and I had conquered it. Now when those songs come on, I don't rush to skip them. I listen to them all the way through, and it makes me happy. I drove down all the roads I used to avoid, and guess what? I survived. I went to various places where my sad feelings of the past would come alive, and I stood there, thought about that memory, absorbed it, and let it go.

I had to make amends. I had to do some apologizing to people I had hurt. I had to forgive those who had wronged me or took advantage of my heart. Then I had to forgive myself; for not speaking up, for not trying, and for allowing insecurity to rule my life for so long.

I can't change who I was, what I did, or more importantly, didn't do. Wishing I would have lived differently gets me no where. Unless, I use that wishing to fuel me to do things now, so I'm not sitting here in 5 years blogging about things I wish I would have done, said, or tried, yet again.

What I would call my biggest mistake, that first boyfriend of mine, in the end, gave me the start of the journey in finding my voice. So is that mistake a regret? Not now, because I let it fuel me to be better. I am not the mistakes I have made. I am what I allow those mistakes to make me. I could let them break me, and control me, or I can use them to fuel me in becoming who I want to be.

I will never get the time back I spent trying to please everyone, instead of myself. I will never be as close to the one real friend I had in high school, the one I actually was myself in front of, no matter how much I miss him. I will never be on dance company. That boy I gave gum to will never ask me out, and I'll never get back all the gum I gave him ;) and I will never get to go to Letherby's on my 19th birthday with my sweet older sister.

I've mourned for the past, that is necessary, but I don't let it dictate who I am anymore. I am free of it. I let it go. I let go of who I might have been. I let go of those I wasted my time on. But, I've realized time is never wasted if I learned something from it. I've let go of who I could have been and focus on who I want to become now, in the next five minutes, next five days, and the next five years.

I've never been happier with who I am than I am right now in this moment. The night I broke up with my first boyfriend I was so afraid of being alone, because I was insecure and didn't love myself. Now, I love being alone. I like going places by myself and being alone with my thoughts. If I don't have that time to myself, I feel like I'm a mess. What a contrast huh? I allowed fear to rule my life for so long. But now I let love rule it, by loving my whole self.

Let the past drive you to live as you've always wanted to. Don't allow it to hold you back.

Let it go.

Try something new.

Find your voice.


Thanks for reading this novel <3