What I have > what I don't

I was driving home a couple weeks ago a bit disappointed. Okay, really disappointed. I had been hoping that something was going to happen that day and it didn't. Not even close. In fact, the opposite of what I wanted happened. So there I was, having a pity party in my car, driving slowly, listening to Taylor, too sad to sing along with her, and it hit me: I am being so pathetic right now. I have so much. How selfish of me to not acknowledge what I have, and dwell on literally the one thing I don't have, that at times I wish I did... I have an incredible family; 4 selfless grandparents, 2 loving parents, siblings, a stellar nephew, aunts, uncles, and cousins. My best friend is amazing. I have a stable job that I really don't mind. I have a nice home where I always feel safe, not to mention warm and cozy. I have more food in my pantry and fridge than I know what to do with. I have a closet packed full of cute clothes and shoes. I have a never ending supply of clean water, all I have to do is turn the faucet. I have the internet that can inform me about anything I want to know. I have a body that functions just how I want it to. Not to mention I live in a place where I can be who I want to be, isn't this one thing alone enough to bring me joy?

I had compared my life to people I felt have more than I did, and that made me jealous, which is the worst feeling in the world. When I'm jealous, I get mad at myself for being jealous because I should just be happy for other people. Then I end up jealous and mad at myself. Ugh.

Then I compared my life to people I felt have less than me. And I felt so incredibly selfish and almost sick with myself that I could even complain about not having something that is so miniscule in the scheme of things. Then I felt bad for feeling bad for myself. But I realized, sometimes it's okay to feel bad for a moment. Just because my hurt is much, much, much less than someone else's, doesn't mean it's not pain.

I got caught up on dwelling on this one thing that wanted that I have little control over getting. So why was I fretting so much about it? Because I looked at other people who have it and they seem so happy with it, and I wanted that happiness too. But here's the thing: Right now I am happy without that thing. It was comparing myself to others that convinced me I needed that thing to be happy. Yes, it's something I would like eventually, but I want it when the time is right for me. Life has a way of giving us things when it's best for us, not when we want it. If you're waiting for something to make you 'happy', stop. It will happen when it happens. Don't sit around and wait to be happy. Do what you love. That thing will occur when it will. And when it does, you'll look back and say to yourself, 'Oooooh, that's why it didn't happen then.'